


The Learning Curve

by Amahami



Series: Recovery [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: ASL, Abusive John Winchester, Asexual Castiel, Asexual Character, Bi!Dean, Bisexual Dean, Blowjobs, But Christian didn't feel right, Castiel Swears, Castiel Texts, Cutting, Deaf Character, Dean Tries, Dean researches, Dean sells himself, Dean tries to comfort, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gay Castiel, God is not God but sorta is, He sorta succeeds?, He's G.W., Human Castiel, Hurt!Cas, Hurt/Comfort, I did an assload of research for this, Insecure Castiel, It's sickeningly adorable, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kidnapping, M/M, Marijuana, Minor, Not Chuck, Prostitution, Protective Dean Winchester, Recovery, Recreational Drug Use, SEQUEL IS ABANDONED, Self-Harm, Sign Language, The Novaks are Jewish, There is awesome foreshadowing, ace!cas, and an abusive dick, gay!cas, he talks in the beginning, homophobic, human!Cas, i don't know why, john is a homophobe, mute!Sam, not really - Freeform, pot, sorry - Freeform, there is a legitimate reason, trigger warning, waaaay later on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:56:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 30
Words: 32,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3630666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amahami/pseuds/Amahami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TRIGGER WARNING: graphic depicitions of self-harm and abuse (marked at the beginning of chapters they are in) and suicidal ideation.</p><p>Castiel self-harms and his boyfriend, Dean finds out. Dean looks into it and tries to be the best boyfriend he can be. However, things get in the way of that (like John).</p><p>THE SEQUEL IS ABANDONED.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Incident

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so initially, I was going to wait unti l finished it to begin posting, but I am beginning to really wrap it up. There will be a sequel, but I haven't finished this one quite yet. I don't know how often I'll post a new chapter, but it will be at least every week. If I end it on a cliffy I might only make you guys wait a few days, because I know how awful that can be... Anywho, right now I'm just about to begin chapter 22, and I'm at 22.5k I've written what I have so far in three weeks. Also, apparently Brady is his last name. We'll pretend it's his first. Alright, I'll let you read now.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Graphic depiction of self-harm in this chapter. I will put astericks (*s) above and below the scene so you know when to not read, if you're triggered by it. However, there are many mentions to it in the following story, so if it triggers you, please read and stay safe. Much love. <3

Castiel and Dean had been dating for four months. They walked hand-in-hand during school hours whenever they could, and they walked to each other’s houses with their hands interlocked. 

Dean hadn’t told his father yet, because his father was hardly ever home. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to tell his dad. Ever. He might have to in order to convince his father to stay in Pontiac, Illinois, though. He couldn’t leave when he had something so serious going on.

Castiel’s family knew. They were pretty accepting. One of his brothers, though, Lucifer, had told him that his father had said that homosexuals were awful people and deserved to go to Hell. He came out anyways and his father was completely accepting. Balthazar and Gabriel teased him more than Castiel thought necessary, though he took it all in stride.

Every day after school, Dean and Cas would go to Dean’s house to get some private time before Sam got home from Brady’s house. Today was one of those days.

Dean unlocked the door and carefully led Cas over the salt line. Once inside, they hung their coats up and took their shoes off. They headed upstairs to Dean’s room and he locked the door behind them. 

As soon as the door was locked, they were all over each other. Dean and Castiel’s lips were smushed together, moving in sync. Their hands wandered aimlessly and Castiel moaned softly against Dean’s lips as he bucked into Castiel’s hips. 

Castiel bucked back and they ground together like tomorrow the world would end. Dean began to unbutton Castiel’s dress shirt and kissed Cas’ neck tenderly while he did so. Castiel was craning his neck and moaning, when Dean gasped.

“What’s wrong, Dean?”

“You’re hurt.”

“What do you mean? I am not hurt. I—oh no.” Castiel quickly buttoned up his shirt. He ran out of the room, flew down the stairs, put on his shoes, grabbed his coat, and was out the door before Dean could catch him. 

Dean just stared after him, dumbfounded.  
__  
When Castiel got home, he ran upstairs and shut and locked his bedroom door. He went to his dresser and grabbed the altoid tin there. He sat on his bed and took his shirt off. He looked down at the cuts that littered his stomach and hips.

I cannot believe I was so foolish. How could I forget about my cuts? How could I let Dean see them? Ugh!  
**************************************************************************  
Cas opened the tin and took out his razor blade. He held it in his hand and touched the blade to his side. He dragged the blade slowly, to get more pain out of each cut. He made four cuts before he began to feel better. He grabbed a cotton ball from his first aid kit and dipped it lightly in rubbing alcohol. He dabbed at his cuts and hissed at the pain. He threw the cotton ball away and put on a black sleeping shirt. It was only five, but he needed sleep. He always got sleepy after cutting.  
**************************************************************************  
Castiel woke up to someone pounding on his door.

He got up groggily and opened it.

Gabriel wrapped Castiel up in a hug (that hurt like a motherfucker but he couldn’t know Gabe was still cutting so he pretended it didn’t hurt), “Cas, I was so worried. You’re never home this early, and your door was locked… I was so afraid. Are you okay?”

Cas sat down on his bed and nodded, “Dean and I just had a fight. And I am tired.”

“May I please see your wrists?” Gabriel was obviously worried that Cas was cutting again. He was right, but he didn’t need to know that. So he rolled up his sleeves to show Gabe the mess of scars on his forearms. There were no cuts, however.

Gabriel sighed in relief and hugged Cas again, “How ‘bout we go get some ice cream? You missed dinner, but that’s okay. Dessert is all that’s important.”

Cas nodded and they left for the ice cream parlour just down the street from their house. 

While Cas was eating his chocolate ice cream (and Gabe his banana split with extra sprinkles), his phone went off.

“Hello?”

“Oh thank God. You’re okay. Cas, I’ve been calling you for the last three hours! We need to talk.”

Gabriel pretended not to eavesdrop, but he did. He needed to know what this fight was about.

“If you’re going to ‘dump’ me, just do it now. I don’t have time to deal with this in person.”

“What? No, Cas, of course I’m not dumping you! I’m just worried about you. What caused all those cuts? They’re not self-inflicted, are they? I mean, I don’t know what else could have caused them but—“

“Dean. I’m fine. We can talk tomorrow after school. Goodbye.” He hung up.

Cas plastered on a smile and looked up to Gabriel, expecting him to be mostly done with his banana split. Instead, he was looking at Castiel with sad eyes and his banana split was mostly untouched. He got up and threw it away.

“Let’s go home, Brother.”

Castiel nodded and he stood up, eating the cone.

Once they got home, Gabriel led them to his room. Gabriel’s room was far more exciting than Castiel’s. It had a whole wall of different kinds of candy in jars. It was bright and colourful, whereas Cas’ was a drab white. Plain.

“You lied to me.” Gabriel stated, voice full of hurt.

“What about?” Castiel’s head cocked to the side.

“You said you didn’t cut.”

“No, you wanted to see my wrists. I showed you my wrists.” Castiel corrected.

Gabriel groaned, “Let me see them.”

“No.” Castiel walked away and into his room and locked the door. He couldn’t deal with Gabe. Not now. He just needed to be alone. He shut off his phone and set his alarm clock for six am the following morning. He slipped into bed and fell asleep.  
__  
Dean, meanwhile, was on Sam’s laptop. He Googled ‘my boyfriend hurts himself.’

Many of the results were about boyfriends who controlled the relationship with self-harm. He ignored them and went to the one from whyeat.net. It sounded dangerous, but he needed help. The question went:

hi ladies :) i do not self-injure, but i've found that my boyfriend does, and i just wanted to get some advice on how to help him avoid cutting. i don't know what he cuts with, but he's got very strong, sharp fingernails, so that may be it.

my boyfriend experienced every kind of abuse imaginable at the hands of his 'family' when he was a child - they abuse him emotionally even now, since they can't get their hands on him. he says that he is triggered by memories that surface at unpredictable times. 

i won't pretend to understand the way a person feels when they're compelled to hurt themselves - i can only sympathize with their pain, and try to make it better. how can i help him? i know i can't FIX this, or make it go away, but please tell me how i can help him. there must be something i can do :( thanks in advance.

He skims through for responses that may help. One person said I would say that you being there for him would be the most important thing. It's very good that you know that you can't fix him, many loved ones cannot accept that. I don't know how willing to accept help he is but if I were in your position I would tell him to call or text you whenever he wants to injure and be there, don't get me wrong, you don't need to have him control your life but just be a good friend and asking here is the first step.

Another says My fiancé never tell me not to do it. If he sees cuts, he will ask me why I did it, but not push me if I don't want to say. He'll usually cuddle me and just say general reassuring things- "It will be ok", that sort of thing. This way, I feel like I can talk to him about it and that helps a lot.

 

Of course everyone is different. I'd recommend just asking him how he wants you to deal with it. Tell him you love him and you'll always be there for him but you're not sure of the best way to address it- Ask if he'd rather be left to it, no questions asked, or if he wants help to beat it. As long as he knows you support him in whatever he decides, then he should understand how much you care for him.

He skimmed through the rest of them, but those two seemed to be the most helpful.

Dean makes a list of what to ask Castiel:  
1\. Am I the reason you cut?  
2\. Do you want to stop?  
3\. How can I help?  
4\. You know you can call or text me any time, right?

He sighs and goes to bed. He doesn’t know what else he can do tonight. He makes sure his phone is on sound instead of silent and goes to bed.


	2. Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel answers Dean's questions from the list

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided I would upload the first three chapters before I go to bed. But there won't be nearly as many later on. Mentions of self-harm in this chapter. Stay safe. <3

Cas’ alarm went off at six. He groaned and shut it off, sitting up groggily. He wiped at his eyes and tried to ignore the burning of his side as he moved. He turned his phone on and while he waited for it to finish turning on, he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

When he got back to his room, he looked at his texts.

From: Dean <3  
Are you okay?  
Look, I’m sorry if I freaked out. This is new to me.  
Please talk to me.  
I’m worried about you.  
I just called your house. Gabriel answered and said you were probably fine. Probably?  
I’m really worried.  
Tomorrow we need to talk. Please?  
I’m going to bed now. Call me if you need me.  
Oh and during lunch can we go to the Roadhouse? We can talk there. If you want.  
Goodnight. XO <3

Castiel sighed before responding:  
Sorry, I freaked out. I shut my phone off after you called. I am fine. Yes, lunch at the Roadhouse sounds fine. 

He set his phone down and began to get ready for school. He put on a white button-down dress shirt, a dark blue tie, black dress pants, and his usual trenchcoat. He was ready thirty minutes before he had to leave, so he grabbed his backpack and walked downstairs to the kitchen, where his father and Gabriel were sitting at the large table sipping at their coffees.

Castiel’s father raised his head at his entrance and asked, “Where were you last night? I didn’t see you at all.”

“I am sorry, Father. I was in my room sleeping. I was not feeling well.”

“Are you well enough to go to school?”

“Yes, Sir.” Cas confirmed, pouring himself a cup of coffee and toasting himself some bread.

Once the toast popped up, he buttered it corner to corner. He dunked it in his coffee as he sat down across from Gabriel (in his usual seat). Gabriel looked at him worriedly, but Castiel only smiled to him. He was fine. As fine as he ever would be, anyways. He just hoped that Dean wouldn’t leave him. All the others did.

They ate in silence until it was time for Castiel to leave, which he did after taking care of his coffee mug.  
__  
Dean was nervous. What if he fucked this up and Cas left him? He wasn’t sure how he would handle that. He supposed he would just do the best he could. But the what-ifs wandering throughout his thoughts were awful. He just wanted to block them out. If only.

He brushed his teeth before he met his brother in the Impala. They drove to school in silence. Complete silence. Dean didn’t notice, as he was deep within his own thoughts, but Sam noticed.

“What’s going on, Dean?” Sam had asked.

“Nothing.”

“You forgot to turn the music on.” Sam accused

“Did I?” Dean shrugged and turned it on quietly.

Sam knew he wouldn’t get anything else out of his brother right now, and sighed in exasperation. 

Once they got to the school, Sam rushed out to meet his friends in the library. Dean, however, waited in his car for Cas to arrive.

Castiel knocked softly on the roof to get Dean’s attention, then began to walk away. Dean quickly gathered his things and locked his door before running to clasp his boyfriend’s hand in his. He walked Castiel to his first class in silence.

They didn’t see each other again until lunch, however.

Castiel met Dean at his car, and the drive to the Roadhouse was silent. Cas would have been worried about Dean, but he was too worried about himself to be worrying about his boyfriend. At least, that’s what he was hoping to leave the Roadhouse being.

Once they sat down, a middle-aged woman with medium-coloured hair approached them.

“Hi I’m Ellen and I’ll be waitin’ on ya today. What can I do for ya?”

“I’d like a cheeseburger, heavy on the onions, please, with fries and a root beer.” Dean said to Ellen.

“Could I please have a cheeseburger with fries and an orange soda?” Castiel asked.

“Course ya can! Be right back with the drinks.” Ellen walked away.

Ellen was back within moments with the root beer and orange soda, giving them to their respective owners, before walking away again. That’s when Dean began to talk.

He took out his list and said, “I did some research last night. I wasn’t really sure what to do, you know? I found some stuff out, and I have some questions for you. You don’t have to answer any of them.”

Castiel nodded at Dean to continue.

“First of all, am I the reason you cut?” Dean asked softly, afraid of scaring Castiel away with his words.

“Not usually no.”

Dean nodded sadly and asked, “Do you want to stop?”

Castiel sighed, “Honestly, not really. I’ve been doing it for four years, and I… I do not wish to stop. I know I need to, though. Gabriel is hurting. I’d managed to make him think I was clean last night, then he heard you when you called… I keep fucking up his life. And now yours.”

Dean frowned, “Cas, you didn’t fuck up my life! I need you buddy. Don’t do this to me. It’s okay that something is a little wrong with you. I still… I still care about you.”

Cas gasped quietly and smiled at Dean’s words, “Really?”

“Really.”

“I care about you too.”

“I know. Now, to my third question. How can I help?”

There was a silence as Castiel looked at his hands, thinking.

“Just be there for me. And don’t leave me because I hurt myself.” Cas thought for a little while longer, “And please don’t be mad at me when I hurt myself.”

“Alright, I’ll be here for you. All you have to do is call me if you need help, okay?” Cas nodded and Dean continued, “I won’t leave you because you hurt yourself, and I won’t be mad at you when you hurt yourself. Will you let me know if you think of any other way I could help you?”

“Yes.” Castiel nodded, “And so you know, my past three boyfriends have left me when they found out about my problem…”

When Dean didn’t say anything Cas spoke up again, “Wasn’t there a fourth question?”

Dean nodded, “Yes, but it was asking if you knew I was here for you. I just said it, so I know you do…” Dean shrugged.

Cas nodded.

Their food arrived shortly after and they ate in a somewhat awkward silence.

Castiel again broke it and said, “You can ask me anything, Dean.”

“Why?”

“That’s a loaded question.” Castiel sighed and put his burger down, preparing to talk about his life. But first, “This requires a personal history lesson. Are you willing to listen to the whole thing?”

Dean nodded, and Castiel began.


	3. Castiel's Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel talks about his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, mentions of self-harm. Stay safe. <3

Castiel began his personal history lesson.

“First, you have to know that my family is a family of orthodox Jews. All of our names come from angels. Except Balthazar. Anyway, Dad’s the oldest. He used to be really cool and he was always there for us. He went to all of our school functions, we had dinner every night as a family, and went to the Synagogue together every week. Until the accident. But I’ll get to that.

I do not know who my mother is. They all refuse to talk about her at all. For all I know, she does not even exist. I don’t know when she left, or why. We don’t have any photos of her anywhere. I don’t understand how.” 

Castiel sighed and took a moment to himself. He just breathed and took a bite of a fry.

“Next is Michael. He’s the oldest. He’s 32 and he is a professor at Vanderbilt. He can be a bit arrogant. When I was born, he was 14, so he left before I really remember him.

Lucifer is next. He’s 30. He has this really cool dragon tattoo wrapping around his arm… It is awesome! You have to see it sometime. He is very good-looking. He has everyone after him, male and female alike. He has yet to settle down, though.

He’s the black sheep of the family. He’s an atheist. He doesn’t believe in God because He’s never there for him or the family, so he claims. I haven’t seen him since he announced he was leaving the Faith forever.” 

Castiel sipped his orange soda.

“Balthazar is 27. He loves wine. It’s a bit scary how much. He was adopted before I was born. I don’t know the whole story, but he was kidnapped and tortured before we adopted him. His name used to be Daniel. Then one day, the story goes, he told Father ‘I just want to start over.’ And my Father suggested a new name, and when he agreed, he was renamed Balthazar. Just like in the Bible. Balthazar isn’t an angel, though. He’s just a human, originally named Daniel.

 

Gabriel is 25 and he loves pears. Hey! Stop laughing!” Castiel frowned as Dean doubled over in laughter across the table, “What’s so funny?”

“Dude, you just introduced one of your brothers as loving pears. That’s freakin’ hilarious!” 

“I do not see how, but I shall accept it. Gabriel is always arguing when Lucifer is around. It is awful. He works at the Verizon store at the mall and he is the only brother still living with Father and I. He loves pulling pranks. It can get pretty scary. You learn to smell everything before you use it, from shampoo to milk. You just never know with him.”

When Dean raised a questioning eyebrow, Castiel explained, “One time… Okay maybe several times, Gabe put Nair in my shampoo. I love my hair.” Castiel pouted, “And one time, he put lemon juice in the milk. It was awful.”

Dean grinned, “Those are good ideas for me to use on Sammy!”

“Dean, don’t. Those are awful.” Castiel began eating for a little while.

They ate in silence until Dean asked, “Were you finished with your personal history?”

“No, sorry, I was not. Let’s see… I talked about Gabriel. Next is—“ Castiel froze. His eyes began to water.

Dean reached across the table to take Castiel’s hand, “You don’t have to tell me, that’s okay.”

“No, for—“ Cas sniffled and it was really nasty-sounding, “For you to understand me, you need to know.” Castiel took a few deep breaths, and took a few drinks of his soda.

“Raphael. He was 24. We were close my whole life. There were seven years between us, but we were still very close. He was always there when I fell with a first-aid kit, or if someone hurt me emotionally, he was there with a hug and kind words… He wanted to be a doctor. And he loved yellow. I mean really loved. It was awful.” Castiel shook his head in fond remembrance.

“He had too much to drink one night, about a year ago, now, and he… He got into an accident. The people in the other car were just fine, but Raphael, he didn’t make it. He died. And he took a secret to his grave. Or nearly so. When they were doing his autopsy, they found out that he…” Castiel took a long drink of his soda.

“That he had been cutting himself. They had no idea for how long, but the scars were everywhere. It was bad. He was obviously hurting, and I… I never knew.” Castiel was curled in on himself at this point, hiding his face in his hands.

Dean came around the table to his side and wrapped Cas up in his arms, “Cas, it’s okay, I’m here for you. We can make it through this. Shhhh…” He mumbled into Cas’ hair as he rocked them slowly.

“I started cutting to get closer to him, and then… Then I got addicted and needed it. Needed the pain to feel alive. The blood.” He tried to slow his breathing.

Eventually, Castiel calmed down, and his face looked awful. Dean would never say that, but it did. He just wanted to kiss it better. But he knew that isn’t what Cas wanted right then. So he just held his boyfriend close to show him he was there and didn’t have to go through this alone.

“I never told you about me, you know.” Castiel finally spoke, voice cracking and rough. 

Dean looked down at him, “Nope. Will you?”

Castiel nodded, “I am 18, I love pomegranates and dried fruit, pot, aconite, worms, ravens, and Castiel isn’t my original name.”

“Back up, back up. You like pot?” Dean was incredulous. His boyfriend? Pot? What?

“Yeah, it’s nice. I’m usually high when I’m home. It makes things easier.”

“Are you high right now?”

“Not now, but generally, yeah.”

“Dude, that’s crazy. I thought you were completely innocent. We should get high together sometime.”

“I’m not sure if that is a good idea, Dean. I get… titillated.”

“You get what?”

“Er… Aroused.”

“Cas, I do not see a problem with this.”

“I do. I am afraid I will make a decision that I will regret later. And I do not want our first time to be a regret, Dean.”

Dean nodded and brought Castiel in for a kiss.

Once they parted “What is your ‘original’ name, Cas?”

Cas chuckled quietly, “Kafsiel. But in second grade I got tired of nobody being able to say it. So I asked my Father if He would change it. He agreed as long as I chose one of the same angel’s other names. So I chose Castiel. It’s far easier to pronounce, I think.”

Dean nodded, “Yeah it is, Kaf… Kafsiel?”

“Yeah, but you can still call me Castiel, Dean. That is my legal name.”

“Alright, alright. Now, can we finish eating?”

Castiel looked at the time, “Oh no! I’ve missed my fifth hour!”

“Don’t worry so much, Cas. It’s one day. Can we ditch just this once?”

“This one time, Dean. Do not expect it again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got most of my backstory from the actual stories of the angels. And yes, Balthazar is not actually an angel. He is a human, Daniel, who was renamed after he was kidnapped as a child. Also, the archangel Cassiel (aka Castiel/Kafsiel and like a billion other versions) likes hemp, which is why Castiel likes pot. Just an FYI. If you are wondering about my reasoning for any of these things, just ask me or look up the respective angel. Happy travels! <3


	4. Nothing But Smut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seriously, just smut.

They walked to the parking lot to get into the Impala. Once they were in the car, their hands interlocked and did not separate until they arrived at Dean’s house. 

Their hands rejoined as soon as they met up in front of the car. They walked into the house together, careful not to disturb the salt line. 

Once they sat down on the couch, Castiel quietly spoke up, “Will you tell me why there’s salt at every entrance to the house, as well as the windows?”

Dean shook his head sadly, “I’m not allowed to. My dad… He’ll kill me if I tell you.” He didn’t think there was any joke in that, though Castiel seemed to think so, as he chuckled.

“Alright that’s okay. Can we kiss now?”

Dean smiled and kissed Castiel passionately. Their mouths moved together at no specific pace but they were right there with each other the whole time. Cas slowly moved them to the couch. He slipped one of his hands under Dean’s shirt while his other hand remained on Dean’s cheek, tenderly caressing.

Castiel’s hand roamed Dean’s stomach lightly, feeling the muscles clench underneath his fingertips. He made it to Dean’s nipple, when he squeezed gently and Dean gasped into their intense kiss. Castiel massaged his nipple gently, and Dean moaned quietly. 

He could feel Dean’s erection pressing against his hips, and he slid down between Dean’s legs, momentarily breaking the kiss.

Cas pulled Dean’s head towards his so they could kiss, and while they were kissing, Castiel unbuttoned and unzipped Dean’s jeans. He slid them off along with Dean’s boxers and Dean obediently lifted his hips to help.

“Are-Are you sure, Cas?”

Castiel nodded and kissed the tip of Dean’s cock before rubbing his nose along its underside, making Dean shudder. He licked Dean’s balls gently, knowing it is what he himself loved. He had Dean squirming beneath him, before he licked a slick stripe up Dean’s cock.

Dean groaned loudly and clenched his hands, “So good Baby. Want you to suck me.”

Castiel licked Dean’s slit and then took half of Dean into his mouth, before he could take no more.

Dean’s body bucked up without his permission, and Cas gagged and pulled off.

“Shit. Sorry Cas.”

“S’fine.” Castiel pushed Dean’s hips down with his hands and took Dean into his mouth again, still only halfway.

Dean put one of his hands on Castiel’s head and gently tangled his hand in his hair. He didn’t push Cas down, just let his hand rest there.

Castiel began pumping slowly, and removed one of his hands from Dean’s hips to massage what he couldn’t suck. Cas chanced a look up at Dean, and Dean was looking at him.

When Dean looked down and saw Cas’ bright blues darkened in lust, and his pink lips around his cock, he came without warning.

Castiel choked and sputtered, managing to swallow most of it, though some managed to leak out the side of his mouth.

Dean slowly came down, and once he did, his eyes widened, “Fuck, Cas, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—“

“It is fine, Dean. Though next time, please eat some fruit.” Castiel wiped his mouth and palmed at his own erection.

Dean noticed this movement, and pulled Cas up on the couch next to him. Dean unbuttoned Cas’ pants and unzipped them, then looked up at him for permission to take them off. Castiel took a deep breath and nodded, lifting his hips up for Dean to slide his jeans and briefs down to his ankles.

Dean kissed Castiel’s thighs and sucked a light hickey into his inner thigh. Cas moaned in response and Dean began to lick at his balls. Castiel’s head fell back and he groaned loudly.

“Fuck, Dean, yes. Right there please.” He grunted out in his gravelly voice, lower than usual.

Dean groaned, “You’re so hot babe. So hot.” He licked up the underside of Castiel’s cock and kissed and licked his slit. Castiel bucked lightly, and Dean put his hands on his hips to hold him down.

He took Cas in his mouth, and went three-quarters of the way before he had to remind himself to breathe in deeply and accept the intrusion. His eyes watered slightly as Castiel slid down his throat and his nose landed on Castiel’s body.

Castiel gasped loudly and made a point not to look at Dean. He wanted to last as long as possible. He knew that still wouldn’t be long, though. 

Dean let Castiel slip out of his mouth and then took him back in completely and he nearly lost it. He didn’t, though, and Dean continued his work steadily. A few seconds later, Castiel did lose it. He moaned Dean’s name far too loudly and came in Dean’s mouth. Dean swallowed it down, grateful for his generally healthy boyfriend. 

He leaned up and kissed Castiel gently, “You did great, babe. I’m so proud of you.”

“Thank you, Dean. We will have to… Do this again.” Cas yawned.

“Alright buddy, if you’re going to sleep, we should get your pants back on you.” Dean chuckled and helped Cas back into his pants.

Dean pulled his own back on and led Cas to his room, where they fell asleep facing each other, smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided that every time I complete a chapter, I will post the next chapter on here. For example, I just finished chapter 22 (which also has smut, funny enough), so I decided I'm upload chapter four. I try to write a chapter a day, so hopefully you'll get another one tomorrow, though I am about to begin chapter 23 because I have a good idea, so you might get another one today. <3


	5. Brady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: graphic self-harm. Once you get to the astericks (*s), that's it. The rest of the chapter deals with that.
> 
> Also, this is a short chapter, even for me. I'm sorry.

They woke up to Sam pounding on the door.

“Dean, I’m home from Brady’s. What’s for dinner?”

Dean groaned, “What do you want?”

“I can make something if you don’t want to…”

“No, it’s fine. What do you want?”

“I just want a side salad. I don’t care what the main dish is.”

“You got it.” Dean sighed and shook Cas gently, “Cas, Baby, wake up. It’s late. It’s…” He checked his alarm clock, “seven. You’re usually home by six. I’ll bet Gabriel is worried.”

Castiel grumbled something unintelligible, and rolled over.

Dean rubbed his back lightly. Castiel’s eyes eventually opened and he rolled over to face Dean.

“Mornin’ Sunshine. You gotta go home. It’s after seven.”

“Oh, no. Gabriel will be so angry at me for staying so long. I’m sorry, Dean.”

Dean raised an incredulous eyebrow, “Don’t be sorry. I had a wonderful afternoon. But you’d better get out of here before Gabriel calls the cops or something.”

“Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow, Dean. Take care.” Castiel then left, carefully stepping over the salt line and waving to Sam.

Dean walked out into the living room to talk to Sam about dinner.

“I was thinking baked chicken and salad. What do you think?” He asked Sam

“I don’t care but dude! Brush your teeth! I do not need to smell your cum-breath.” Sam made a disgusted face with his nose all scrunched up. It was adorable on the giant.

“How do you know what cum-breath smells like, Sam?” Dean accused.

Sam made an ‘oh shit’ face and sputtered, “Uh—I—Fuck.”

“I’ve known for a while, Sam. A few weeks ago there was cum on the back of your shirt. I didn’t think it was yours. Was it Brady’s?”

Sam’s face was tomato red as he nodded.

“I figured. You’re being safe, right?”

“Yeah. You gone all the way with Cas yet?” Sam inquired gently.

“Wh-what? No!”

“Really? Wow. You really like him to be taking it so slow, don’t you?”

“M-maybe…”

Dean stomped into the kitchen and began preparing the chicken for dinner.  
__

When Castiel got home, Gabriel was pacing in the living room.

“Where were you, Castiel?”

“I was at Dean’s, I am sorry.”

“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”

Castiel took out his phone and tried to turn it on. It wouldn’t.

“It must have died. I did not realise and I apologise. Sorry, Brother.”

“It is fine. I was just worried! Are you hungry?”

Castiel nodded and Gabriel handed him a plate of dinner. He ate in silence at the table with Gabriel watching him.

“How are you, Brother?”

“I am quite well and yourself?”

“I am okay. But how are you, emotionally?”

“Today Dean and I took a big step in our relationship and it went well, so I am doing very well, myself. Thank you.”

“Can I see your stomach?”

Castiel’s insides went cold and he suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. He took his plate, threw the food away, set the plate in the sink, and practically ran up to his room. He slammed his door and locked it.  
*****************************************************  
He grabbed his altoid tin from his dresser and sat down with his back to his door. He took his shirt off slid the blade quickly and heavily across his stomach. He hissed loudly at the pain and he leaned his head back against the door to bask in the pain. He looked and he could see fat in the cut. 

“Shit.” He didn’t mean to go that deep. He just needed the pain.

“Shit, shit, shit. I don’t know what to do. Fuck.” And the worst part is, he still wanted more. 

He reached over to the box of tissues on his dresser and grabbed the whole box. He carefully folded one up and pressed it against his wound.

He pulled it away after a few moments and it had completely bled through. “Shit. Fuck. I’m such an idiot.” He folded another piece quickly and held it in place for a couple minutes. When he pulled it away, it was completely bloody, again, but it had taken a lot longer.

He sighed in relief as he grabbed another tissue and folded it. He held it against his wound and leaned heavily against the door. He was getting a bit woozy, whether it was from the possible shock, the blood loss, or the high from the cut itself, he wasn’t sure.

He just sat there and looked around his room for several minutes. He look the tissue away and saw it had mostly stopped bleeding.

He looked at his clock. It had been twenty minutes since he made the cut. He got a new tissue, folded it, pressed it against his cut, and grabbed the box of tissues. He carefully stood up and went to his bed. He lied down in his bed, and went to sleep with the box against his side and pressing a tissue into his stomach.


	6. Bonding Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anything ever doesn't make sense, let me know. 
> 
> Also, self-harm is a real issue, and I'm not sure if this is allowed on here, but I'm going to put my number on here for anyone to text/call if they ever need it. Stay safe.
> 
> 520.419.8232.

Castiel woke up to a hand on his shoulder, shaking him.

“Castiel! Cas! Wake up! Brother please, please wake up!”

Castiel groaned and swatted the hand away, “Leave me alone Gabe. My alarm will go off when it’s time to go to school.”

“Cas, you’re all bloody! What the fuck did you do? Why didn’t you tell me? It needed stitches!” Gabriel was panicking and Castiel sighed as he slowly sat up, gasping as pain erupted in his stomach.

“Shit. I forgot about that.” He looked down at his stomach, which would probably start bleeding again soon. There was a bit of dried blood on his bed and some dried blood on his stomach.

“Cas, what did you do?”

Castiel shrugged, “I dunno. I just cut. I went a little too deep though.”

“A… A little? Castiel, there are three tissues covered in blood on the floor, another tissue stuck to your hand, and blood all over your stomach. You cut way too deep. You should have told me so I could have taken you to the hospital. What if you had died? Huh? What about me? Dad?”

“You guys would be fine. I wouldn’t have minded dying.” Cas shrugged lightly.

“Castiel, you are not going to school today. I am not going to work. We are taking a day off.”

“No, I can’t. Gabe, I missed half the day yesterday. I can’t miss another day!”

“Yes, you can. And you will. I am your brother and I will tie you to the bed if it means you stay the day with me.”

Unfortunately, Cas knew Gabe was not joking. Not right now. So he sighed and said, “Fine. Let me tell Dean.”

Castiel picked up his phone and tapped his conversation with Dean <3:  
Hello. I will not be in school today. Gabe is making me take a day off. I am sorry.

He set his phone down and looked to Gabriel, “What are we going to do then, Brother?”

“Well, first of all, we’re gonna clean you up. Stay here. I’ll be right back.” Gabriel left to go get a warm cloth, non-stick gauze, a bandage roll, and rubbing alcohol.

While he was gone, Castiel received a text from Dean <3:  
Sall good. We still meetin after school?

To which Cas responded:  
I am shrugging. I do not know. I will ask Gabe later. Right now we are having “bonding time” or something. Have a good day. I miss you. <3

Gabriel came back, then, with the supplies he left for. He used the wet cloth to gently rub away the dried blood that was all over Castiel’s stomach. He was very gentle. Then he put some rubbing alcohol onto a tissue and dabbed it onto Cas’ wound.

At the contact, Cas hissed.

“Sorry, Bro. But it needs to be done.”

He finished cleaning the wound and laid the non-stick gauze over the cut and then proceeded to wrap his stomach up with the bandage. It went around Castiel’s torso four or five times just to be sure, and then Gabriel used a piece of medical tape he pulled from his pocket to keep the bandage in place. 

“All done. Let’s go eat breakfast.”

“First I need to use the restroom and brush my teeth. Give me a few minutes, please.” Castiel got up slowly, regretting the cut he made the previous night, and walked slowly to the bathroom.

Once he was empty and had his teeth freshened, he walked downstairs and sat down at the table.

Gabriel walked into the room with a small pile of chocolate chip pancakes on a plate. He set it down on the table and handed Cas a banana.

“The sausage is on now. Almost done.” He walked away again.

Castiel placed two pancakes onto the plate in front of him, sliced the banana, and put the slices on the pancakes. He poured a light amount of maple syrup onto the pancakes and then let the syrup sink in before beginning to eat.

Gabriel came back with eight sausages on a plate. Cas took four and poured syrup all over them. He ate a sausage and then started on his pancakes.

Gabriel dug in himself, pouring a huge amount of syrup onto his pancakes and sausages. They ate in silence except for the groans that the food punched out of Castiel.

“Gabe, these are better than normal. What on this Earth did you put in them?”

“It’s a secret.” He said around a mouthful of pancake.

Once they were done, Gabriel cleaned up the breakfast dishes and when he came back to the table, Castiel looked defeated.

“What’s wrong, Cassie?”

“You know I hate that nickname, Gabriel.”

“I do. Please tell me what’s wrong.”

“You know I’m still cutting. You are disappointed in me and you hate me. At least Raphael didn’t have to deal with this. He kept it secret. I’m jealous of him.”

“Raphael was alone when he died. Both physically and mentally. He had been alone for a long time. He never accepted help from us. He wouldn’t even tell us when he was hurting. He blocked us out. Raphael would not let us in. He was struggling and had nobody to help him. Let me help you. Please. I am not disappointed in you. I am just sad that you’ve been lying to me about not cutting for what, six months now? And I don’t hate you little bro. I’m just frustrated. I am trying to help you but you won’t let me in, goddammit! Don’t keep this shit in. Let someone know so we can help you.”

“You’re… You’re not disappointed in me?” Castiel was incredulous.

Gabriel shook his head, “Of course not.” Gabriel wrapped Castiel in a tight hug.

Castiel hissed in pain.

“Shit. Sorry.”

Castiel shrugged.

“Why did you cut last night?”

Castiel hesitated, debating whether to spill or not. One look at Gabriel told him his brother would stop at nothing to find out, so he answered, “You were asking to see my stomach. I didn’t want you to see it. It’s one thing if you know I am cutting, but another if you actually see the cuts and scars…”

Gabriel took a deep, shuddering breath.

“You nearly killed yourself… Because of me?”

“I’m sorry, Gabriel.”

Gabriel put his head in his hands.

“Just don’t… Don’t do that again, okay? I thought you were dead!” 

Castiel nodded a little bit, “Yes, I will not go that deep again. Ever. I was scared.”

“Thank you. Now, how about we go to the movies?”

Castiel nodded and went back upstairs to get dressed.

They went to the movies to see the new Hunger Games movie (it was the only movie Gabriel hadn’t seen yet). Gabriel bought $20 of candy, two sodas, and a large bucket of popcorn. They went through most of it during the movie.

When they got back home, they decided to watch Castiel’s favourite movie from his childhood, “Titanic.”

“Good thing Balthazar isn’t home, right Gabriel?”

Gabriel laughed, “Yeah, it’s very good. He thinks he got rid of the last copy of this in the house. He was mistaken.”

“Hey Gabe? After this movie is over, can I go over to Dean’s?”

“As long as you swear to not cut tonight.”

“I could just sneak out.” Castiel pointed out.

“But you won’t. Promise me.”

“I will not ever make a promise I am not completely positive that I can keep, Gabriel. You know that.”

Gabriel sighed, “Fine. Will you at least tell me before you do it?”

Castiel nodded, “Yes.”

“Then yes, you can go to Dean’s.”

“Thank you! Now let’s watch this movie!”


	7. John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written quite a bit today, so I've been updating more. I think the final thing will end up being around 30 chapters and 33k. We'll see. Anyway, here's the chapter (no there is no abuse...yet).

Once the movie had ended and Castiel had washed his face from the tears and grease of popcorn from the theatre, he walked over to Dean’s house. He looked at the time. It was only one. 

Oh no. School isn’t let out for another hour. What should I do? He figured he could just head to the house. He grabbed the spare key from the dirt in front of the house and let himself in, carefully stepping over the line of salt in the threshold. 

He walked up to Dean’s room and laid down in his bed, deciding to nap until Dean got home.

He fell asleep.  
__

Castiel woke up to water being splashed on his face.

“What the…? Dean?” He groggily opened his eyes to see a gruff middle-aged man looking down at him with a sawed-off double-barrel shotgun pointed at him.

“Who the fuck are you?” The man gruffly asked.

“I-I’m Castiel James Novak. I’m eighteen and I’m just waiting for Dean to get home.”

“How do you know him?”

“W-we go to school together… Who are you?”

“I’m his father.” Dean’s father took a silver knife out its holster on his thigh and pulled Castiel’s arm away from his body. He slid the sleeve up and gave Castiel a weird look as he saw the scars on his forearms. He dragged the silver blade across the skin.

Castiel hardly flinched as Dean’s father did this, to which Dean’s father was surprised. 

“Are you friends?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“How did you get in?”

“The spare key, Sir.” Castiel was shaking nervously as he put pressure on the shallow cut on his forearm.

“Why aren’t you in school?”

“My brother made me take the day off.”

“Why would he make you do that?” Dean’s father didn’t understand, that much was obvious.

“He said we needed a day to bond or something like that.”

“Does Dean know you’re here?”

“No but we ‘hang out’” Castiel used finger quotes here, “Every day after school at his house, here. We have for the past four and a half months, Sir.”

“Until Dean can confirm this, I’ll have to tie you up.” He yanked Castiel up by his now-injured arm (to which Castiel hissed in pain) and dragged him to the front room, where he was sat in a chair.

“Stay there or I’ll shoot you.” Dean’s father warned.

Castiel nodded quickly as Dean’s father left his line of sight momentarily and came back with rope. He took his time tying Castiel up.

Castiel submitted completely and did not squirm at all. 

“You’re really okay with this?” Dean’s father questioned.

Cas shrugged the best he could while tied up, “Struggling will make everything worse, so I am not. Simple.”

They sat in a very awkward silence until they heard a key unlocking the front door. Dean came in and looked from his boyfriend to his father and back again.

“Uh, Dad, what is my boyfriend doing tied to a chair?”

Dean’s father spluttered, “Boyfriend?”

Dean’s eyes widened in realisation and fear. However, as much as he wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. Not with Castiel’s eyes on him. He took a deep breath and nodded.

“Yeah, Dad. He’s my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for four months.”

He smiled and turned to Castiel, “I’m John. Nice to meet you.” He smiled and went to leave. He stopped to whisper, “We are talking about this when I get back. He better be gone. You have thirty minutes.”

He left and Dean rushed to Cas’ side.

“Shit, I’m so sorry about my dad. He can be a dick. Look, you need to leave.” Dean said, untying Castiel.

“What? Why?”

“Cas. Trust me. Please. You need to leave.”

“Your father seemed nice enough.” Cas countered.

“No. You need to leave, Cas. You cannot be here when he returns. Fuck, he didn’t warn me that he’d be home. I’ll need to warn Sam and—Shit. Just leave okay Babe. I hope I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hope? Dean, what’s going on?”

“We’re probably moving now that my dad’s back. I… I love you, okay? Don’t tell anyone I told you that but I do. I don’t want to leave. But I have to. But mostly importantly right now, You have to leave. Have a safe trip home. But don’t text me. Or call. I am sorry.” He pulled Cas up out of the chair and shoved him out the door.

“If you see him, run. You need to promise me that. If you see my father, you run like your life depends on it. Because it will. Goodbye, Cas.”

He leaned down the few inches to Cas’ lips and then pushed him away, closing the door in his face.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and called Sam.

The line picked up and there was giggling on Sam’s end, “Shhh stop it’s my brother! Ah! Fuck! Mmmm Stop my brother’s on the phone! Shhhhhh! Hello?”

“Sammy, Dad’s home. And he knows I’ve been dating Cas. He had him tied up. You’re at Brady’s working on a project and you’d better be home before dark.”

“Do you want me to come home? Maybe it won’t be as bad if I’m there.”

“No, Sam. You’ll stay at Brady’s until a while before dark. Then you’ll come home and never tell Dad about you and Brady. Never. Do you understand me, Sammy?”

Dean could hear Sam sigh on the other end, “Yeah, I understand. The project is for History.”

“Alright. Now get back to doing the nasty. More than I’ll get with Cas. Use protection!” He hung up to his brother’s groan.

Dean erased his message conversation with Cas from his phone, and removed the heart from his contact. Then he copied down the number onto a piece of paper and put it in his box of condoms in his duffel bag.

He waited at the kitchen table for his father to get home.


	8. John and Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Homophobia and abuse. If either trigger you, skip this chapter. In the A/N at the beginning of the next chapter, I'll summarise this chapter. Stay safe. <3

John came in the door silently, with an air of lethality surrounding him.

“Dean.”

“Yes, sir?” Dean tried to keep his voice from shaking. He knew what he was in for.

“Come here.”

Dean took a deep breath and walked over to his father.

“Take your shirt off.”

Dean nodded and removed his shirt and tossed it onto the couch. He took a deep breath.

John slipped his belt out of his jeans and raised his arm. Dean held his breath. John swung his arm forward and the belt landed diagonally on Dean’s back. Dean hissed quietly.

“I will not” John got Dean’s back horizontally, and the belt wrapped painfully around Dean’s torso.

“Have a faggot” John’s belt landed at a slight angle and wrapped around Dean.

“Son.” John continued whipping Dean with his belt until Dean began to bleed.

John stopped whipping his son and his son dropped to the ground.

“You will never” John kicked Dean in the ribs.

“See Castiel” John kicked Dean in the stomach.

“Again.” Another kick to the ribs.

“You will have girlfriends.” A kick to the shoulder.

“You will have sex with girls.” A kick to the sternum.

“You will never” A stomp to the stomach.

“Have another boyfriend” A kick to the groin.

“Again.” A stomp to the face.

“Do you understand me, Boy?” John grabbed Dean by his shoulder.

“Y-yes Sir.” Dean got out, dribbling blood down his chin.

John walked away.

“Return your school books tomorrow morning. We leave at noon.” He walked out the door.

Dean just lay there, blood coming out of his mouth slowly. This was the worst beating he’s had in a long time. Since he left for the arcade and Sam almost got killed by that creature that came in the window.

It was three hours later that Sam came home. He didn’t see Dean at first.

“Dean? Where are you?”

Dean groaned from the floor behind the couch. Sam ran over to him.

“Shit, I’ve never seen it this bad. What happened?”

“I won’t have no faggot son” Dean gritted out.

Sam gently felt his ribcage. Dean winced.

“Sorry. You have a few cracked ribs. I’m going to go get the first aid kit. Stay right there.”

“Nah, I’m gonna go fuck Cas.” Dean bit out sarcastically.

Sam came back with the first aid kit and wrapped up Dean’s ribcage. He straightened Dean’s nose (to which Dean gasped), and asked Dean to stand up.

Dean slowly stood up, with the help of his brother, and Sam looked at his back.

“Fuck. He is pissed. I’m going to tell him I’m gay and maybe he’ll realise it’s okay.”

“No, Sammy. I forbid you. You will not get this end of the stick. You stay in the closet.”

“We’re leaving tomorrow, aren’t we?”

“Yeah, Sammy. We are.” Dean wheezed slightly.

“I don’t want to leave. I really like Brady.”

“I know Bud. But we have to listen to Dad.”

“You don’t. You’re nineteen.”

“I am not disobeying Dad.”

“Yes you are, Dean. You love him. Cas.” Sam clarified.

“I do love him. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t leave you alone with that dick. What’ll happen when he comes home drunk from a hunt?”

“I’ll take the beating just fine.” Sam retorted.

“But who will patch you up?”

“I can, Dean.”

“I can’t leave you, Sam.” Dean shook his head.

“Maybe I can stay with you, then. I’ll be fifteen in May. I can get a job someplace. Help out.”

“As much as I want to, you know we can’t disobey Dad.”

“Yes we can! Dean, please. When was the last time I asked you for something?”

“Last week. Condoms.” Dean responded, grinning.

“I meant something like this.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“Fine. But we need to find a place to stay until Dad leaves. We can’t stay here.”

“I’ll call Brady and see if I can stay there. You call Cas?”

Dean nodded and left the room slowly, groaning with every step. He picked up his phone and called Cas.

“Dean?”

“Yeah Cas, it’s me. Listen, do you think I could stay at your house for a while, until I save up enough money to get an apartment for Sammy and me? I’ll explain in detail next time I see you, but I need to know in the next few minutes, or else I’ll have to figure something else out.”

“I need to go ask my father. I am laying my phone down on my desk. I will be back shortly.”

Dean began to pack up his things (not that he had unpacked much to begin with). He just had his toiletries left when Cas came back.

“My father said yes as long as we ‘are not loud.’”

Dean smiled, “Alright. I’ll be over in a few.” He hung up. He grabbed his toiletries, put on his shoes, and was about to walk out the door when he realised he should tell his father what was going on. He took a piece of paper out of his backpack as well as a pen.

_Dad—_   
_Sam and I are staying here. Leave without us. We’ll be fine._   
_Dean_

He set the short letter on the kitchen table and walked out the door, locking the door behind him.


	9. Explanations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you skipped the last chapter, I’ll fill you in. John is a homophobic douchebag who beat Dean because he has a boyfriend, Sam came home and took care of Dean, they decided to stay in Pontiac, and packed up and left the house they were in. Sam is going to Brady’s and Dean is going to Castiel’s. This all, of course, is not what John demanded.
> 
> Additional Note: I never shipped Sam and Brady so I am not quite sure how that happened in this story. Sorry.

Dean walked up to the familiar house and rang the doorbell. Gabriel answered the door.

“What, are you moving in?” He laughed.

“Only until I can afford my own place. Sorry for any inconvenience. Where’s Cas?”

Gabriel’s eyebrows shot up in confusion but responded, “His room. Don’t get too noisy lover-boy.” He sneered jeeringly.

Dean glared at him and went upstairs to Castiel’s room. He was wheezing heavily by the time he got halfway up the staircase. He had to stop and catch his breath before he could continue. His ribs ached painfully. 

He continued up the stairs slowly, and eventually made it to Cas’ room. He knocked lightly.

“Come in.” A deep, gravelly voice came from inside the room.

Dean opened the door and walked inside. He set his duffel bag down next to Castiel’s desk and stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“Please close the door.”

Dean closed the door and walked over to Cas. Cas’ eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He had been crying. Castiel wrapped Dean up in a tight hug.

“Shit, Cas, stop!” Dean grunted out.

Castiel gave him a questioning look.

“Cracked a few ribs. No biggie. Just painful.”

“How?” Castiel wondered.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll heal. I’m sorry for barging in like this. Sam and I decided it was for the best.”

“What do you mean, Dean? I do not understand.”

“Dad wants us to leave tomorrow at noon. We are refusing. But we cannot stay where we were. Too expensive for me to keep up with. And we don’t want him to find us easily.”

“Why not, Dean? Why is your face bruised? Did you… Did he hit you?”

Dean chuckled and then gasped at how painful it was.

“A bit worse than that, but yeah.”

“May I see?”

“Cas, you really do not want to see. It’s bad.” Dean gently kissed Castiel’s lips. Castiel smiled and pulled Dean close to him. They cuddled together, breathing in each other’s air. 

Castiel let his hand slip under Dean’s shirt and rub along his back.

Dean gasped and pushed Cas away.

“Fuck, don’t do that.” Dean gritted out.

“What’s wrong with your back?”

Dean sighed softly. He took his shirt off. He had a boot print on his chest and bruises all over his torso. His ribs were tightly wrapped and he turned away from Cas. Castiel couldn’t see all of it, but there was dried blood and painful looking welts.

Castiel gasped. “He did that to you?”

“Yeah. It’s not too bad. I’ve had worse.” Dean lied.

“You’ve had worse?! What the hell!” Castiel was incredulous.

“Yeah. My brother almost died because I left him alone for a few hours. Dad was pissed. He got to the motel just in time to kill the son of a bitch. I couldn’t move for a couple of days after that beating.”

“How old were you?”

“Twelve or so? I’m not sure.” Dean shrugged slightly.

“He is a bastard!”

Dean laughed, “You’ve got quite the vocabulary Cas. Yeah, he is. But he’s my dad.”

“Wait, he killed someone?!”

“Something. It was a monster. It wasn’t human.”

“What do you mean, ‘wasn’t human’?” Castiel used finger quotes to accentuate his point.

Dean sighed, “It’s time for me to tell you why we have salt on our windows and doors. 

When I was four, my mother died in a house fire. But it wasn’t your average death. She died pinned to the ceiling of my brother’s nursery by a demon. That demon went into Sammy’s nursery to do something to him, and my mother came in to rescue him, and the demon killed her. 

My dad has been hunting that son of a bitch since the fire. In the process, he discovered vampires, werewolves, wendigos, shapeshifters, and a lot of other monsters. He raised us hunting these sons of bitches and things like that. We find ‘em, we gank ‘em, we celebrate.

Any questions?”

“Yeah. What does salt have to do with monsters? And how do you know they’re real?”

Dean smirked, “I was hopin’ you’d ask. Salt is pure or something like that and it works well against a lot of monsters. Holy water and silver are the back ups. And I know they’re real because I’ve seen them myself and watched them kill. And killed them myself.” Dean’s chest puffed out in pride.

Cas gave him an odd look, head tilted in confusion, “But Dean, why is that a good thing? Killing monsters, that’s good in theory, but unless you’ve seen them kill, how do you know it’s them?”

Dean shrugged, “Research. Lots and lots of research. And monsters don’t come in groups, so there’s usually only a few in a town. Easy to find, easy to gank.”

Castiel sighed, “Alright. What kind of monsters have you ‘ganked’?” Again with the finger-quotations.

Dean let out a breathy chuckle, “Mostly vampires and werewolves, but I’ve lit up a wendigo, and killed a few shapeshifters.” He shrugged lightly.

“What is a wendigo?” And a shapeshifter?”

“A wendigo is a thing that used to be human but began to eat other humans and gained superhuman abilities, like immortality, except when burnt. They’re badass mofos and they’re fast. Like, faster than anything you can imagine. They’re awful to hunt. But shapeshifters are Hell on Earth. They can look human, like any human, and act like humans. However, when they shift forms, they have to shed their skin. That shit is gross.” Dean heaved slightly.

“How do you kill it?”

“Silver to the heart.” Dean grinned sexily.

“But why? If they don’t do anything bad…” Castiel’s sentence faded.

“We wouldn’t know about them if they didn’t do something bad. We only hear about them through the news.” Dean shrugs.

Castiel nods slowly, “I understand. Where does your family receive the monetary amounts in which they need to survive?”

Dean looked down at the floor, “Credit card fraud and pool hustling, mostly.”

Castiel’s eyes widen in fear, “That’s illegal, Dean.”

“No freakin’ shit. I know that. But we just consider it… Payment for saving their asses. Since no one will do it up front.”

Castiel just stared at Dean, clearly disapproving.

“Look, Cas, I’m sorry. We do what we need to. We save people. A lot of people. They just never know. They shouldn’t. Nobody should know what goes bump in the night. I am sorry I told you, but if we’re going to do this for any amount of time, you really should know. Also, if I tell you, you won’t look at me weird for putting salt around your room… Right?”

Castiel nodded, “Right. You do realise that I will require proof at some point of this, though, right?”

Dean sighed, “I figured. But not until after I train you up to the treetops in weaponry and Latin. And other things. And my dad says we need to make up Devil’s Traps in case the demon that killed my mother comes back for us. I need to arm Sam up. He only has a knife and a sawed-off.”

“Only? That sounds pretty armed to me.”

“He doesn’t have salt. Or salt-rounds. Or a silver knife. Or daggers. Or holy water. I need to amend that.”

“Jeez, Dean. That’s a lot. Are you sure he needs all that?”

“Yes.” Dean said as he began taking weapons out of his duffel. He pulled out his phone and called Sam.

Sam answered on the second ring, “Yeah Dean?”

“You have a knife and a sawed-off, right?”

“Yes, Dean.” He said, annoyed.

“I’m coming over later to salt your room and give you more weapons and holy water. Do however much explaining needs to be done for the salt to stay in place. You got that?”

Dean could practically hear Sam nodding, before he said, “Yeah, I got that. What time will you be over?”

“One hour. Better get explaining, Nerd Wonder. See you soon.” He hung up.

Dean organised his weapons.

1 double-barrel shotgun  
2 pistols  
4 daggers (two coated in dead man’s blood)  
2 empty gallons with rosaries for holy water  
2 machetes  
3 silver knives  
1 jar of dead man’s blood  
1 jar of lamb’s blood  
2 stakes  
Plenty of silver bullets  
Plenty of salt rounds  
Six shurikans  
1 bag of salt  
2 flashlights  
Cleaner for the guns and knives

Cas’ eyes widened at Dean’s arsenal, “Dean,” He said nervously, “Why do you have a whole weaponry in your bag?”

Dean shrugged, “It’s what has to be done.” He divvied up the supplies and planned to take half of it to Sam. He repacked Sam’s half into his duffel and picked it up onto his shoulder.

“Alright. I’ll be back in an hour. I need to go make sure my brother’s safe.”

Dean walked out the door with Castiel ogling the weapons in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I think this is the longest chapter in here. Nearly 1500 words. Which isn't much, but I try not to stretch my chapters out. I don't want to force them.


	10. Incident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a brief portion of this chapter in which Dean catches Cas hurting himself. The most graphic of it I put astericks (*s) around. Stay safe. <3

Once Dean arrived at Brady’s, he knocked on the solid wooden door. Brady answered the door.

“Hi, I’m Dean. May I come in?”

Brady nodded and gestured for Dean to follow him. They went up two and a half flights of stairs to Brady’s room. Sam was in there doing homework.

“Heya Sammy. I brought you a flashlight, a bag of salt—“

“Whoa, whoa, Dean, I think Brady will freak if he sees everything. Can we just trade duffels?”

“Brady,” Dean turned to look at him, “Please leave us alone for a few minutes.”

Brady immediately turned and jogged away from his bedroom.

“Okay, so here’s your flashlight, bag of salt, three shurikans…” Dean got them out.

“Dean just pull everything out. I know what they are. I don’t need a play-by-play. Also, Brady is really freaked out. I don’t think he’ll let me spray paint his floor.”

“We’re just salting the windows and door, Sam. He’ll be fine. But sleep with a weapon under your pillow, got that? And call me if you have any kind of feeling that something supernatural is nearby. Got it?”

Sam nodded, “Got it. Now can you leave?” Sam obviously wanted time alone with Brady.

Dean rolled his eyes and handed Sam a twenty dollar bill, “Make this last. It’s all I have until I get a job. A real job.” He clarified when Sam shot him a look.

Dean stood up and walked the two and a half flights of stairs down to the foyer of Brady’s house. He walked out the door and walked the forty-five minutes back to Castiel’s house.

When he got back, he just walked right in and up the stairs to Castiel’s room. He opened the door and Castiel was deep in thought, with Dean’s ivory-handled pistol in his hands.

“…Cas?” Dean asked softly.

Cas jumped and looked with frightened eyes up at Dean.

“Cas, put the gun down. Why are you holding it?”

“I was merely… Thinking.” He admitted.

“What about?”

Castiel shook his head, “It is of no matter. Here.” He handed the gun back to Dean slowly.

“You weren’t… Thinking about… Killing yourself, were you?” Dean asked cautiously.

Castiel shrugged, “It is of no matter.” He repeated, “Is your brother protected, now?”

“Cas, you can’t do that to me, okay? I love you. You can’t do that to me, Cas. I need you. Why were you thinking about that?”

Castiel shrugged, “I am just so tired, Dean. I am tired of hating myself, I am tired of living through this Hell. I just wish it would end.”

Dean gathered Cas up in his arms and cuddled him to his body.

“Cas, you can’t leave me. We’ve only been together four months. I need to show you the world still. You got that, Babe?”

Cas nodded into his chest.

“Good. Now. I showed you my back. Will you show me your stomach?”

Castiel froze, “No!” He stood up and grabbed his altoid tin from the floor and ran to the bathroom. He slammed and locked the door behind him.

“Shit!” Dean ran to the bathroom door, “Cas, come out here. Please. I’m sorry, you never have to show me your stomach if you don’t want to. I’m sorry babe. Please, come out.”

When he didn’t get an answer, Dean ran to the room next door to Castiel’s. He knocked. No answer. He went to the next door. He kept going and knocking until a groggy-looking Gabriel came out of his room.

“What?!” Gabriel snapped.

“I fucked up. He won’t come out of the bathroom.”

Gabriel sighed, “You asked to see his stomach, didn’t you?”

When Dean nodded, Gabriel told him, “Yeah, I made that mistake last night. Fucker almost died. Let me try talking to him.”

Gabriel walked to the bathroom door and knocked, “Cassie it’s me. Come on out, Dean didn’t know not to ask you. Hell, I didn’t know not to ask you that. Come on, Cas. You gotta give yourself time to heal after last night, okay? Even if you cut, we won’t be mad. We just want to take care of you. Come out of there, please.”

“No, Gabe.” Castiel croaked. 

“Castiel James, after last night I do not trust you to cut behind a locked door. Now either you come out or—“

************************************************  
“I have a lock picking kit. Here.” Dean kneeled down in front of the door, “Cas, I’m going to pick the lock now, okay? I’m worried about you and so is Gabriel.” He quickly picked the lock and saw Castiel drawing a box cutter across his stomach (which was littered with cuts, new and old, but the one that stuck out to Dean was the one from the previous night in which Castiel lost a lot of blood).

Dean ran over to Castiel and held the hand holding the blade, “Cas, please drop the blade. You don’t need this. Come on Baby let go of the blade. We’re here for you but with a gash that deep… Shit, that should have been sewn. I have a sterile kit for stitching people up, you know. If you need stitches ever again, I’m here for you. I’ll do it. Please, will you let me clean you up?”

Castiel nodded his tear-streaked face just enough for Dean to see it as he dropped the blade onto the floor.

*************************************************************  
“Gabriel, get me whiskey.”

“What?”

“Whiskey. Now. And a washcloth. And the first aid kit from my duffel bag in Cas’ room.”

Gabriel was only gone for a minute or two, and when he came back, Dean immediately got to work.

“Cas, this is going to hurt like a bitch and I’m sorry but shit, man. If these get infected it will be hell.” He skilfully poured whiskey over Castiel’s cuts, to which Castiel groaned, and then Dean used the washcloth to wipe up the blood and whiskey from his stomach.

Dean then proceeded to wrap Castiel’s torso up with a sterile bandage and taped it with medical tape.

“There. All done. If that bleeds through, let me know and I’ll put a new one on.” Castiel nodded.

Dean helped Castiel up and to his room to lie down, “Go ahead and sleep. You didn’t lose enough blood to be worrying about sleeping. Go ahead. I’ll clean up and wake you in the morning.”

Cas nodded as he dozed off.

Dean went back to the bathroom and cleaned everything up, including getting all the blood out of the washcloth on the first try.

Gabriel was watching him and interrupted Dean’s train of thought by asking, “How did you know to do all that?”

“I grew up in the family business, and in the business, sometimes you need to do medical stuff away from doctors or else they’ll get suspicious. I learned a thing or two.” He shrugged.

“You said you can stitch a person up. Why the fuck would you need to learn that?” Gabriel exclaimed.

“I really can’t tell you. My dad would kill me. He’d already kill me for telling Cas and for Sam telling Brady. We tell who we absolutely need to tell. Sorry, but you’re not one of them.”

Gabriel shrugged in frustration and headed downstairs to make dinner.


	11. Money

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is prostitution, you can skip this chapter if you’re uncomfortable with it. It’s a short, mostly filler chapter.

After everyone was asleep, Dean snuck out of the house and to the bad part of town. He found someone willing to pay two hundred dollars to be with him for the night.

The man and Dean went to a cheap by-the-hour hotel. Once they were in the door, the man’s smooth lips were up against his viciously. He kissed back passionately and ground up against the man. The very, very unattractive man.

They kissed for a short while before the man said, “I only have an hour so let’s hurry this up.”

Dean nodded and stripped his clothes.

“What the fuck happened to you?” The man asked, a light amount of concern lacing his voice.

Dean shook his head, “I need the money. Please keep going.”

“If you say so…” The man shrugged and stripped his clothes off. He gave the man a condom and a small bottle of lube.

The man kissed up and down his back gently and poured some lube on his fingers. He pressed two into Dean, which caused Dean to gasp. Usually, his customers would do one first then two. Not this one, apparently.

The man scissored his fingers quickly until he got impatient, slid the condom on, lubed the condom up, and slid roughly into Dean.

Dean’s hand flew to his mouth, where he muffled his scream of pain. He wasn’t sure if the man was abnormally large or if it was from the shit preparation. He didn’t care. He needed the money.

The man was incredibly rough and uncaring, and his grunting finally ended after torturous minutes that seemed like years. He pulled out quickly and threw the condom away.

The man put his clothes on and reached into his pocket for his wallet. He pulled out four fifty dollar bills and handed them to Dean, who was standing at this point. He smiled at the man, “Thank you.”

“No, thank you. I’m around every Tuesday night looking for a good fuck. You were very good. So you know, you have a little over an hour left in this room to clean up. Have a good night.” The man walked out the door.

Dean looked into the mirror in the room. He had hickeys all over his back. _Why don’t I remember him giving them to me?_ He was slightly concerned. He turned to get a better view of his ass and saw a trickle of blood coming from it. _Shit. He could have at least prepped me a little bit more… Fuck._

He collapsed on the bed and cried. He was in so much pain emotionally and physically that he didn’t know what to do. He’s been fucked harshly before, but usually they were at least tender… Hopefully nobody would question his gait or see his back. _How could this have happened? Shit. At least I have money to give to Sam, now._

He sighed.

Slowly, his sobs turned into whimpers and then into hiccups. He got up from the bed carefully, but not carefully enough, as his whole body erupted with pain as soon as he did. He waddled to the bathroom, where he washed his face and used the washcloth provided in the room to wipe the blood from his leg. He gently pressed the cloth against his asshole to catch the blood there before he cleaned the cloth.

He put his clothes back on as carefully as he could. He walked from the hotel slowly back to Castiel’s house, where he snuck back in.

He laid down on Cas’ floor on his stomach and drifted off into a fitful sleep.


	12. Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warning for this chapter. Happy reading!

Dean’s alarm went off four hours after he got back to Castiel’s. He groaned and shut it off. He sat up and groaned again. The pain in his ass was nearly unbearable. He wasn’t sure how he would survive seven hours at a desk.

Castiel didn’t have to be up for another half-hour, so Dean waddled downstairs.

Gabriel chuckled upon seeing him, “Oh-ho-ho, do you guys get it on last night?” 

Dean sighed and shook his head, “Sorry to disappoint, Gabriel. Not yet.”

“Then why are you waddling like a pregnant woman?”

Dean shook his head, “I just need some coffee.” He walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He drank it slowly. He finished the cup of coffee in twenty minutes. He still had ten minutes before he had to wake his boyfriend.

He set his mug on the table, shooting Gabriel’s angry face an “I’m coming back for it you douchebag” glare. He headed up to Cas’ room and changed in there, since Cas was asleep. No need for him to see the bruises on his hips, the redness of his ass, or the hickeys on his back.

Once he was finished dressing, he turned around to see Cas staring at him with sad eyes.

Maybe Cas hadn’t seen anything? He could try. “What, Cas?”

“You’re committing adultery, are you not?” Castiel stated, face unusually stoic.

Dean shook his head, “No, Cas, you don’t understand. Let me explain.”

“Why, Dean? So you can break my heart? No, thank you. Goodbye, Dean.”

“No, Cas! Let me explain!”

“Goodbye, Dean.” He shoved Dean out the door and locked his door, before gathering Dean’s things up and throwing them out too.

Dean sighed and went into the kitchen.

“So, you’re cheating on my brother?” Gabriel asked.

“What? No!” Dean exclaimed.

“Then why are you walking funny? And I’m sure Cas saw something. He needs proof before accusing someone of something that big.”

Dean groaned, “I really didn’t want to do this. Look, I have hickeys on my back and bruises on my hips and my ass is red and raw and painful as fuck. I had to do it, okay? I needed the money!”

“Wait, you sold yourself?”

Dean shrugged, “I do that sometimes, when I’m low on money. I tried to explain it to Cas but he wouldn’t listen to me! I don’t know what to do… I can’t do anything with two hundred dollars. Not anything worth living in. Shit.”

Gabriel sighed quietly, “I’ve done it too, Dean.”

The usual smile adorning Gabriel’s face was absent.

Dean raised an eyebrow, “What?”

“There was a time when I was about your age, shortly after most of my brothers had left the house, where we were about to lose the house. I did what I had to do to keep the house.”

“Will you talk to Cas then? Please?” Dean added as an afterthought, desperate to make sure his boyfriend know how much he loved him.

Gabriel nodded and ran silently up the stairs and knocked on Castiel’s door, “Cassie!” he sang “It’s me! Let me in!”

The door opened and Gabriel went in.

Dean walked over to the coffee pot and filled his coffee cup back up and sat down carefully and began to sip at it.

After an eternity of sipping at his coffee, Castiel came downstairs.

“Can we talk, Dean?”

Dean nodded, “Sure.”

Castiel took a deep breath, “Is what Gabriel said true?”

“I’m not sure what he said, but if he said what I asked him to say, then yes.”

“You…” Castiel paused, trying to find an inoffensive wording to his question, “You prostituted yourself? For money?”

Dean smirked slightly, “That’s the definition prostitution, Cas. But yeah. I’m sorry. It really, _really_ didn’t mean anything. I don’t know the guy’s name. Or where he lives. I think he has a wife though. He was wearing a wedding band.”

“How much did you get?”

“Two hundred dollars. It isn’t much but it’ll get me somewhere. And without a pimp, I’d rather stay on the lower side of the pricing. Don’t want anyone trying to cheat me or anything.” Dean gulped down his coffee, “We need to go soon, don’t we?”

Castiel nodded, “Yes, in twenty minutes. Be ready then.”

“I’m already ready, but okay.”

The school day was horrendous. Dean’s ass ached and every movement he made only served to worsen the pain. By the time lunch came around, he was ready to bolt. Unfortunately, he had a task to do first.

He walked over to the middle school (it was attached to the high school) and found Sam. He gave him a fifty dollar bill with the explanation, “I found this while I was going through my pockets last night. Make it last, okay? And if you need anything—“

“Let you know. I know.” Sam finished.

Dean smiled and walked away. He texted Cas <3:

_Going back to your house. Sitting hurts. See you there? ;)_

Cas responded within seconds:

_Of course. You know where the key is. I have some ointment that might work in my dresser. Open the top drawer and take everything out. You’ll find it. I cannot wait to see you! :D_

Dean smiled and left the school after signing out. They took his excuse of not feeling well (apparently, he looked about as great as he felt), and he left the building. There was a 1967 Chevrolet Impala waiting at the curb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this was a bit shorter than usual... Hopefully I'll finish another chapter today so you can get the next chapter. I am really close to the end in the writing bit of things. I'm on chapter 27 and I only have a few more things to wrap up. Thank you for the kudos and comments. <3


	13. Phones

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapter titles suck, and I apologise for that. Also, this chapter is another short chapter. 824 words. Sorry. If I get some feedback, I'll post the next chapter tonight. <3

When Castiel got back to his house, it was empty. Eerily so. He went up to his room and it was also empty. Dean’s things were still there, though. He rifled through his top drawer to see if the ointment was still there. It was.

Where was he?

Cas texted Dean <3:

_Hello. Where are you, Dean? The house is empty. I am worried._

There was no response. Three hours later, Gabriel got home, and with a smirk on his face, asked, “Where’s lover-boy?”

Castiel sighed and shrugged, “I don’t know. He left school during lunch. I have not heard from him since. I am quite worried.”

“Have you asked his brother?”

Castiel’s eyes lit up, “I’ll call him.”

Castiel took his phone out and called Samuel. It rang four times before he picked up, “Hello?” He was obviously distracted.

“Hello, Samuel. This is Castiel Novak. Do you know where Dean is?”

“No, Castiel, I don’t. Sometimes he goes off on his own to cool down. He may have had a breakdown. When it does, he walks away with little or no explanation. I’m sure he’s fine. Give him a couple of days. He’ll be fine.”

“But where will he stay? He only has two hundred dollars! That’s only enough for one night at a hotel!” Castiel began to panic.

Sam gasped, “Are you kidding me? Where in the _hell_ would he get that much money? Did he… Castiel, do you know how he got the money?”

Cas’ breathing was uneven as he lied poorly, “N-no, of course not.”

“You do.” Sam accused.

“He would be quite angry with me if I told you how he came upon that money.”

Sam sighed, “He sold himself, didn’t he?”

Cas replied, and seeing as Sam already knew, confirmed, “Yes. But what about Dean? Will he be okay?”

“Yeah Cas, he’ll be fine. He gets like that especially after he suddenly comes across a nice amount of money like that. It’s hard on him. I _told him not to do that! Goddammit!_ ”

“I shall… Hm… Go.” Castiel murmured.

“Alright. When Dean gets back please have him call me.”                                   

“If you would like. Have a good night.”

“You too Cas.” Sam replied as Cas hung up.

Castiel sighed heavily before telling his brother, “He doesn’t know but after things like last night happen, he goes off for a couple days on his own, Sam says he’ll be fine. I just… I have a bad feeling, Gabe.”

“I know, lil Bro. But if Sam says he’s fine, we’ll trust him. If in a couple days, Dean isn’t back, we’ll do something. Okay?”

Castiel nodded.

__

Meanwhile, at Brady’s, Sam was currently assaulting the boy’s soft lips, with his hands tangled in the dirty blond hair.

Brady groaned pleasantly at Sam’s excitement, “What’s got you so riled up Sam?” Brady asked as he broke their kiss.

Sam shrugged, “I dunno. What I do know is I wanna make you _mine_.” He growled the last bit.

Brady bucked up into Sam. 

Sam’s phone began to ring vibrantly, playing _Walking on Sunshine_.

“Shit.” Sam sighed and picked up his phone, “Yes Father?”

“You _will_ meet your brother and I at the Motel 8 in thirty minutes, or you _will pay_.” The phone clicked, as if being slammed back into place on a cradle.

Sam dropped his phone onto the bed, erection gone. He breathed slowly, trying to calm his erratic heartrate.

“Sam? What’s wrong?” Brady’s brow knit together in confusion.

Sam shook his head, “I need to go to my brother’s boyfriend’s house. Now.”

Brady’s eyebrows shot up, “What? Why? I thought you were going to ‘make me yours’?”

Sam shook his head sadly, “Please, Brady, I will explain once we get there. But we need to leave. Now. Is there are car we can take? It’s a forty-five minute walk and I need to be there, like, now.”

“Uh, not until my mother gets home.”

Sam sighed, “Shit. Okay. Is there an old person nearby?”

Brady nodded, “Yeah, the neighbour on the right. Why?”

Sam rushed out the door, after grabbing his pistol. He was in the neighbour’s car with it running, waiting for Brady, who came walking after him.

He got in the car and asked, “What the hell are you doing? That’s illegal!”

“It needs to be done. Let’s go.” Sam drove out of the driveway and into the road.

It took ten minutes to get to the Novak household, and when he got there, he simply burst in the door without knocking.

“Castiel! Get down here! I need you!”

Castiel immediately came running downstairs, along with Gabriel, who had a baseball bat in one hand and a bag of M&Ms in the other.

“Who are you? Why are you in my house?” Gabriel exclaimed to Sam and Brady who was behind him.

“I am Sam Winchester and my father has Dean. I need your help to rescue him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also: Sam wanted to know if an old person lived nearby because the chances of them catching Sam stealing their car would be much slimmer. In case anyone was wondering.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a bit choppy and confusing, but please bear with me. The reason Sam has a plan so quickly is because he grew up with John and Dean. He had to be prepared for things like this. Just saying.

“Okay, so, one more time, what’s the plan?” Gabriel asked nervously, sucking on a lollipop.

“Brady and I walk into the motel while you and Cas slash my dad’s tires. We bring Dean out and hop in the getaway car (meaning your car, Gabriel), and hurry back here. If anything does not go as planned, call Uncle Bobby. Oh and Gabriel? Put this on the underside of my dad’s car, before you slash his tires. In case he manages to get away with us, we need Uncle Bobby to know where we are.” He waved a small disc, a GPS tracker, in his hand.

“Does anybody have any questions?” Sam asked.

“Uh, yeah,” Brady began, “Why do I have to have a gun?”

“Because my dad will have a gun and he might shoot you. You need to be prepared.”

Brady nodded cautiously.

“Alright, let’s go!” Sam led them out to Gabriel’s car. Sam got in the back with Brady, and Cas in the front with Gabriel.

They drove in silence to the motel 8. It was 27 minutes after Sam’s phone call with John had ended.

They got there with no time to spare. They all got out to do their respective jobs. Sam walked towards the door closest to the Impala.

He walked right in and stepped over the salt line. When Brady went to, he couldn’t.

“S-Sam?” Brady was obviously scared.

Sam shushed him and continued on into the room until he found his brother. He ran over to him.

Dean was tied up to a chair, his mouth gagged with a bandana, and leg bent where it should not have been.

“It’s okay, Dean.” Sam whispered, “I’ve got you. Let’s get out of here.”

The door closed and locked. Sam turned around to find his father in front of the now-closed door, with a crow bar in his hand.

__

Gabriel and Cas had just finished what they set out to do, when they heard a door slam. They looked over to the door that Sam and Brady had gone in, only to see Brady standing outside the door, which was closed.

“Brady, what are you doing? Open the door!” Gabriel yelled.

“I couldn’t get past the salt line… I don’t understand why.”

Gabriel ran over to the door and tried to open it. It was locked.

“Shit. I don’t know what to do.”

They heard a scream.

“Th-that was Sam…” Brady stuttered, falling onto his knees, crying.

“Gabe, call Robert. I will attend to Brady.”

Gabriel nodded and dialled Bobby’s number.

“What do you want?”

“Hello, is this Bobby Singer?” Gabriel asked.

“Yes, why?”

“Sam told me if something went wrong with our rescue mission, to call you.”

There was a grunt on the other line, as well as shuffling. Then moments later, “Where are you?”

“Motel 8, room 145. Pontiac, Illinois.”

A car started in the background, “Alright, what’ve you idjits gotten yourselves into this time?”

“Dean’s father found out about his boyfriend and beat him, and Dean decided to leave his father. Sam and Dean decided with their respective boyfriends to live with them. Their father somehow got Dean back and now he has Sam and I-“ Gabriel took a deep breath, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Okay, what’s your name, Son?” Bobby asked.

“Gabriel.”

“Like the archangel. Okay, you’re strong, boy. If you don’t think you are, you’re wrong. Okay, so I know Sam. He had you guys split up. What did you guys do?”

“We put a GPS on their dad’s car and slashed his tires. And Sam’s boyfriend couldn’t step over the salt line.”

“Oh, the idjit. Always running to trouble. Okay. You need to listen to me closely, Gabriel. I am going to send you a picture of something that looks very weird. You need to draw it exactly like you see it on the floor someplace safe, and put a chair in there. Then put the one who couldn’t step over the salt line in it. Tie him to it. I’ll be there in seven hours. Send me the address where you tie him up. Got it?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Alright. Get to it!” Bobby hung up.

Moments later, Gabriel got a picture message of a Devil’s Trap on his phone (though he didn’t know what it was).

“Alright, let’s go, guys. Nothing we can do now.” He lied easily.

Once they got back to the Novak household, Gabriel turned to Brady, “Would you like to stay with us until Sam is safe?”

Brady nodded, and with a small smile on his face said, “Thank you.”

“Cas, lead him up to my room. He can sleep there for now. I’ll make dinner. You guys sleep.”

They nodded and went upstairs. Gabriel got to work on copying the symbols on his phone. Once he was done, he placed a chair in the middle of it. Then he went and got rope from the basement.

He made storebrand macaroni and cheese for dinner. When he was done with it, he yelled up, “Dinner!”

They came hurrying down, but Brady froze at the sight of the Devil’s Trap. He backed away, preparing to run, when Gabriel grabbed his wrist.

“You’re not going anywhere, Bub.” He dragged Brady into the circle and sat him in the chair, and tied him carefully to it.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Bobby told me to. We’ll find out once he gets here.” Gabriel shrugged as he walked over to the stove and scooped himself up a bowl of dinner. He and Cas sat down at the dinner table to eat.

Cas was the first to speak up, “Gabe, do you really think this is right?”

“We’ll find out later. Right now, I have no idea what to do, so following somebody else’s orders sounds good to me.” Gabriel shrugged, adding sugar to his dinner.

Gabriel decided he’d stay up all night with Brady, to make sure their father wouldn’t untie him in the morning. It would be a long six-plus hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is completely insignificant to anything, but I just wanted to bring up that the demon that's in Brady truly loved Sam. I feel like you should know that. Carry on. <3


	15. Adventure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me too much. <3

Sam woke up in a puddle of blood. He thought it was his own but he wasn’t sure. He could hardly see it. He couldn’t move. He could open his eyes, but that was it. His body was numb. He couldn’t turn his head to find Dean, or yell out his name.

He heard his name, though, whispered.

“Sam!”

Sam’s eyes tried to find the voice, but he couldn’t.

“Are you okay?” The voice was coming closer. It was Dean. Of course it was Dean. It wouldn’t be John.

Dean’s face appeared in Sam’s eyesight. He wanted to smile, but he couldn’t. His eyes just followed Dean.

“Can you move?”

Sam looked away from Dean, ashamed, “It’s okay, Sammy. I’ll take care of you. I always will. Why did you tell him you were gay? He almost killed you! Oh, Sammy, I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to sit in your own filth for a while. I have a broken leg and my arm is broken in at least two places. Same side, too. So I can’t do much. I’m sorry Sammy.” Dean leaned in and kissed his brother’s forehead.

“Let’s get some sleep while Dad is sleeping, okay?” Dean suggested. Sam allowed his eyes to slip closed.

Dean did the same.

__

Gabriel was sipping at his seventh cup of dark roast coffee (black) and eating his third bag of M&Ms (these ones were peanut) when his father came down.

“Gabriel, what in Heaven’s name are you doing, tying a boy up like that?” He walked towards Brady to untie him.

Gabriel jumped up and stopped his father, “No, Father. Wait until Bobby arrives. He should be here any time, now.”

“Why is he tied up?”

“I don’t know, Father. Just wait, okay?”

“This is beyond wrong, Gabriel. Wait, is that a Devil’s Trap? You think he’s a demon?” Gabe’s father asked.

“No. I don’t know. Bobby didn’t say.”

“Bobby Singer?” He asked.

“Yeah, how do you know him?”

“Well, I guess I’ll have to explain later. But right now I need to get ready for work.” He grabbed a travel mug and filled it with coffee and walked out the door.

__

Bobby arrived at the Motel 8 in Pontiac, Illinois. He was exhausted, but he’d sleep once he was sure the boys were safe. It had to be a prank call that he’d gotten or something. But he wasn’t going to take that chance. He knew John well enough that beating his sons was not unlikely.

He got to the right room and unlocked the door with his lock picking kit. He walked in and saw John asleep, and Dean curled around Sam on the floor. Sam was lying in his own blood and urine. Dean’s right arm and leg looked broken.

Bobby quietly stepped over to Dean and shook him. As soon as Dean’s eyes opened, Bobby put a finger over his mouth, quieting whatever Dean had been about to say. He carefully helped Dean up, and together, they hobbled to Bobby’s car. Bobby helped Dean into the passenger seat.

“Alright, Boy. What’s up with Sam?”

“Paralysed, I think. Dad beat his head in.”

“Alright, so we need to go to the hospital. I’m going to get Sam, you call 911 and tell them we’re on our way. Tell him your daddy beat you boys. Tell them everything without telling them about the supernatural.”

Dean nodded and took his phone from his pocket as Bobby walked away.

When Bobby came back, he was carrying a limp Sam in his arms, and Dean was just finishing up his phone call. They loaded Sam into the car and Bobby ran around to the driver’s side and got in.

“Policemen are on the way to arrest Dad. I warned them that he’d make a run for it. And he would probably have a gun, and not be afraid to shoot.”

Bobby nodded as they sped to the hospital.

Once they arrived at the hospital, everything happened quickly. Sam was taken and wheeled away for about a billion tests, and Dean was wheeled away to get x-rayed. Bobby was left in the waiting room.

He took out his phone and called the number that called him to tell him about what happened.

On the second ring, an exhausted voice picked up, “Hello? Where are you?”

“I’m at the hospital with the boys. It’s pretty bad.”

“What about Brady? I can’t keep him tied up like this forever without even knowing why he’s tied up!” Gabriel complained.

“I’ll call a… colleague of mine in the area. He’ll help you.”

“Alright. Thanks. I guess I’ll stay here and keep watch on him.”

“Good.” Bobby hung up and dialled a number he had hoped to never dial again.

“Hello?” The other end picked up.

“G.W.?”

“Yup, that’s me. What do you need?”

“This is Bobby. Bobby Singer. There’s a case in Pontiac, Illinois. You’re in the area, right?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“I think there’s a demon in a kid named Brady. He’s at this address.” He rattled off the address.

“That’s my house. You must be talking about the kid my son has tied up in the kitchen. Alright, I’ll exorcise him when I get home from work. Thanks for the notif.”

“Of course. I’ll be in the area for quite a while with my nephews, so you know.”

“Oh? Who?”

“Sam and Dean.” Bobby responded cautiously.

“Winchester?”

“Yeah. How do you know them?”

“My youngest is dating Dean.”

Bobby shrugged before responding, “Okay, well I need to get some rest. Call me if you need anything.”

“Of course Bobby. Thanks.” He hung up, and Bobby flipped his phone shut and dozed off.

Bobby was woken up an hour later by a nurse.

Bobby grunted and woke up, “Are my nephews okay?”

“Dean is fine. You can see him now.”

“And Sam?”                               

The nurse frowned, “We’re… Not sure. He’s in a medically induced coma until his head is healed. His head is pretty bad. We aren’t sure if he’ll wake up at all, though. He suffered a severe stroke from the trauma to his head. It’ll be a miracle if he ever gets off life support, sir.”

Bobby frowned, “Take me to Dean.”

The nurse led him to Dean’s room. He was hooked up to an IV in his left hand, and his right leg and right arm (past the elbow) were in casts.

Dean smirked when he saw Bobby and quipped, “I’m out of commission for a while, Bobby.”

He smiled to Dean, “Hardy har har. What’s that?” He questioned, pointing to the IV bag.

“I’m dehydrated. Dad didn’t let me have any water, and with all the beatings… I needed it, apparently.” Dean shrugged.

“Nurse? When will he be released?”

“Tomorrow morning.” She said, then turned and walked away.

“What about Sam?” He asked Bobby.

“He’s in a medically-induced coma right now. He’s gotta heal that big ol’ grapefruit of his before he can wake up. He’ll be fine.” Bobby reassured him.

“But Bobby! He couldn’t move at all!”

“Get some rest, Dean. I’ll be right here. He’ll be fine.” Dean nodded and let his eyes slip closed, and he fell into a fitful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments. It means a lot. ( : Stay safe everyone!


	16. Discoveries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings for this chapter. Enjoy!

When Dean woke up the following morning, Castiel was by his side.

“Hello, Dean.” He greeted pleasantly.

“What time is it?” Dean asked crankily.

“Six thirty.”

“Why the hell are you here at six thirty?”

“Bobby snuck me in. I’m your cousin who you live with. But I missed you and had to see for myself that you were okay. Once we get home, I will tend to you. _All of you._ ” Castiel gestured up and down Dean’s body.

Dean shook his head, “No, I’m fine. What about my brother?”

Castiel sighed heavily, “He’s stable. Still in a coma. They don’t think he’ll ever be able to get off life support, though.”

Dean’s eyes widened. Bobby hadn’t told him that, “I need to see my brother.” He sat up and got to the side of his bed. He put his sling on carefully and slipped out of the hospital bed, both legs buckling beneath him.

Castiel caught Dean by the left arm and held him steady. He led Dean to a wheelchair in the corner.

Dean was going to protest until he saw the look on Castiel’s face. It left no room for argument. He sighed and sat down sulkily in the chair.

Castiel wheeled him up a floor to the paediatric ward. He entered a room to check in with somebody, to make sure it was okay, and then pushed Dean into his brother’s room.

Sam was hooked up to three machines. An IV, a life support machine, and a heart rate monitor. He had a tube down his throat and another down his nose. He was bruised and his head was bandaged up.

Dean got up and wobbled over to his brother’s bedside. He laid a shaky hand on his brother’s cheek.

“Heya, Sammy. It’s me, Dean. I know it’s looking bad, but keep on fighting, okay? We can get through this. We’ve survived worse, eh, Little Brother?” Dean tried to smile, “Listen, Buddy, today I am going to go home, but I will come back tomorrow. You got that? You keep that heart pumpin’ and heal that big-ass head of yours. You understand?”

Dean sighed heavily and wobbled back to the chair, out of breath. He thought he might have a few bruised ribs, if the painful breathing was anything to go by.

Bobby took that moment to walk by, poking his head in. When he saw Dean, he did a double-take.

“What are you doin’ out of bed, Boy? Get back into bed!” He scolded Dean.

“I had to see my brother.” Dean mumbled.

“Let’s go back to your room now.” Castiel said, pushing Dean out of the room and back to Dean’s in the adult ward.

Once the three of them got Dean back into bed, the conversation began.

“So, you and Castiel here, huh?” Bobby asked.

Dean flushed, “Y-yeah. For four months. I _really_ like him.”

Bobby smiled, “And when were you going to tell me?”

Dean shrugged, “Never? Cas is the first guy I’ve seriously dated. I wasn’t sure how you’d react so…”

“You idjit! I don’t care who you date!” Bobby shook his head, “Castiel, I’m going to take this opportunity to tell you that if you dare to hurt my nephew, I will shoot you so full of rock salt you’ll be shittin’ it out for a month.”

“Bobby! He’s just barely okay with me salting the door and window of his room! He doesn’t need threats atop the supernatural!” Dean said after he saw Castiel’s face grow bright red, and nervousness begin to trickle into his features.

“That don’t make sense, Boy. Castiel’s father is one of the best Hunters I know. How could he not know anything about the Hunter lifestyle?” Bobby questioned.

“H-his dad was a Hunter?” Dean asked.

“Is.” Bobby corrected, “Exorcised Brady last night.”

“Brady? Shit.” Dean looked down, “But why didn’t I know about Cas’ dad being a Hunter? And why did Dad let us live here if there was another Hunter in town?” He asked Bobby.

“I don’t know, Son. What I do know, is that you need to rest up. Come on, Castiel. Let’s get some coffee or whatever you kids are drinking for breakfast these days.” He led Cas to the cafeteria.

__

Gabriel was staring at his father like he was an alien. Which, at this point, he sort of was. “Why didn’t you tell us you fight monsters?”

“I don’t really, not anymore. Only when there’s a monster nearby. And because I wanted to protect you from this life. I grew up in it, and so did your mother.”

“ _Mother_ grew up as a Hunter?”

G.W. took a deep breath before saying, “She died as one too.”

“You told us Mother ran away after Cas was born! Why would you lie to us?” Gabriel demanded.

“Gabriel, please, understand. I couldn’t tell you guys that your mother died because a vampire sucked her dry. I couldn’t. I also couldn’t break your hearts and tell you your mother was dead.”

“I thought she hated us, all these years. No, she died!” Gabriel was angry, “I need to go tell my brothers.”

“No, Gabriel, wait! You can’t! They cannot find out. They already have normal lives. Let them have it. Please. It’s what your mother and I both wanted.”

Gabriel heaved a great sigh, “Fine. I haven’t slept in like two days so I am going to go sleep.”

Gabriel walked up to his room and laid down in his bed, too tired to change the sulphur-smelling sheets, and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean to come back to Gabriel and his mother at some point, but I don't know if I'll remember...Just an FYI.


	17. Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mostly fluff. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. <3

When Dean was released, Castiel wheeled him to the front entrance of the hospital. He helped to load him in Bobby’s car, and then sat in the back by himself.

The trip back to the Novak house was silent. When they arrived, Castiel helped Dean get into the house and onto the couch in the living room.

Dean shook his head and stared at the blank television screen. 

Everyone let him be until it was dinner time. Castiel tapped Dean’s shoulder lightly.

“Dean? It’s dinner time, come on, let’s eat.”

“Not hungry.” Dean grunted out.

“Dean” Castiel warned, “You need to eat. Come on.” He heaved Dean up and led him to the kitchen table, where Bobby, Gabriel, and G.W. were already seated.

Once Dean sat down, Castiel took the seat across from him.

There was a dinner of ham and corn. Dean ate hungrily, but slowly, because he was not used to eating with his left hand. In fact, he ended up with a lot of it on him. And Castiel had to cut his ham up for him. He bitched about it the whole time.

Once he was done, Castiel helped him up the staircase and into Dean’s room.

“Dean, please undress.”

“Wh… What?”

“I need to help you. Please let me do this.”

Dean sighed softly and slipped his sling off and then his shirt (with a considerable amount of difficulty). He then tried to unbutton his jeans, but found that he could not.

“Uh, Cas? A little help here?”

Cas walked over to him and slid down to his knees. He unbuttoned Dean’s pants and unzipped them, tugging them down firmly. Once they were at Dean’s ankles, he rose back up and kissed Dean softly.

“Relax, Dean. I am not going to hurt you.”

Dean nodded. Cas led him to his bed and laid Dean down. He got to work gently massaging Dean’s neck, while straddling his hips. There were two containers on Cas’ bedside table. Castiel picked one of them up.

Dean eyed it curiously, and Cas explained, “It’ll soothe the pain from your bruises.”

Castiel opened the top and began massaging it into everyplace he could find that was bruised. Then he moved onto Dean’s stomach. 

After his stomach, he moved to Dean’s hips.

“Dean, this is going to be awkward, I understand that, but after I do your back, I have an ointment for your anus and rectum. Please let me put it on.”

Dean groaned.

“Listen, Dean, it will help a lot. Believe me, okay?”

“How would you know? And why do you have that kind of ointment?”

Castiel blushed, “I, uh… Before I understood the… Intricacies of anal sex, a guy and I ‘fooled around,’ and did it without any lubricant or preparation.”

Dean grimaced and Castiel said, “Yeah, and I was the bottom. Anyway, Gabe bought this for me, and treated me with it twice a day until it didn’t hurt anymore. It does still hurt, doesn’t it?”

“It’s only been a day and a half, Cas. Of course it still hurts.” Dean snapped, turning over onto his stomach.

Castiel began massaging his back with the bruise ointment. When he reached Dean’s hips, he said, “Dean, you need to lift your hips up so I can remove your boxers. I also need you to spread your legs.”

Dean again grunted but lifted his hips. Castiel slipped his boxers off and Dean spread his legs.

Castiel got the other tub of ointment and took off the top. He gently massaged Dean’s lower back.

“Dean, I need you to relax. I’ll do my best not to hurt you. Come on, relax for me. There we go.” He praised as Dean forced himself to relax.

Castiel dipped one of his fingers in the ointment and coated Dean’s rim with it. He dipped his finger in it again and pressed his finger in gently. Dean hissed, tensed up, and pulled away.

“Sh, sh, Dean, it’s okay sweetheart. It’s okay.” He gently kissed Dean’s lower back, “Dean honey, let me in, okay. I know it hurts. Believe me, I know it hurts, okay? But you need to let me in. Let me help you feel better.”

Dean sighed and took a few deep breaths, letting himself relax and open up again.

Castiel again dipped his finger in the ointment and carefully pressed his finger past Dean’s rim. Dean hissed but remained relaxed. Castiel coated as far as he could reach with it, then removed his finger and kissed Dean’s lower back again.

“All done, honey. All done. Here’s your boxers.” Castiel handed Dean his boxers.

Dean pulled them on and laid back down onto the bed, “I’m exhausted, Cas.”

“Me too, Dean. Can we cuddle?” He asked hopefully.

Dean smiled and nodded, “Anything for you, Babe. You just took care of me and had a finger in my ass without popping a boner. You deserve it all. But, uh, will you please wash your hands before you get into bed?”

Castiel smiled, “Sure, Dean. I will be right back.”

Dean smiled. How could he have gotten so damn lucky?

When Castiel came back, his hands were clean. He crawled into bed on the other side of Dean and cuddled up to him.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Dean froze, before relaxing into Castiel’s arms, “Yeah… I love you too, Cas.” They kissed gently, with passion, but without any expectation of something more.

They kissed and kissed until one of them fell asleep around midnight. Neither knows who it was. Hell, it could have been both of them. Nobody will ever know.


	18. Arrest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing triggering, except graphic depiction of a panic attack. Be careful. <3

Castiel and Dean woke up to the flash of a camera and Gabriel’s laugh as he ran out of the room (which he had so skilfully picked).

Dean woke up with a “fuck you” on his tongue, but it died as soon as his eyes landed on Castiel’s face. His face had a pillow mark as well as a streak of dried drool, and half of his hair was messier than the other half, which was stuck to his face. Dean started laughing, and before Castiel could berate him for it, gave him a light kiss on the lips in the way of a ‘good morning.’

“Hey, Cas?”

“Yeah Dean?”

“I don’t want to make you upset or anything, but I do want to know… Have you been cutting?”

Castiel smiled softly, “No, I have not. Not since the other night when you picked the lock on the bathroom.”

“I’m so proud of you, Babe.” Dean leaned in and kissed Cas gently, but not lacking passion.

“It’s been really hard, with everything that’s been going on, but… I’ve done it!” Castiel grinned proudly.

Dean smiled, “I really am proud of you, Cas. You can beat this.” He nuzzled into Castiel’s neck.

“We should get up, Dean.”

Dean grumbled but kicked the blanket off them with his good leg.

Castiel helped Dean get dressed and get downstairs to the table. Castiel then made Dean a breakfast of omelettes.

Once he was done with them, he delivered one to Dean and one to himself. They ate in silence.

Then, Dean said, “Let’s go see Sam now.”

“But Dean, I must brush my teeth.”

“Screw your teeth! He’s my brother!” Dean sighed at how demanding that was, before he added, “Please.”

Castiel nodded and helped Dean out the front door.

When they arrived, there was a slight commotion. A woman named Sandy had just gone into the latter part of labour and she wasn’t in a room yet. Dean laughed to himself.

They made their way up to the paediatric floor and got into Sam’s room. Sam looked no different. Dean hobbled over to Sam.

“See, Sam? I told you I’d be back! How are you feelin’ today, hm? Next time a nurse comes in, I’ll ask how you’re doing. But you don’t look half—“ Machines began screaming at him and Dean began to panic. He screamed for help and it arrived. The help pushed him away from his brother.

“He’s going into cardiac arrest.” Is all Dean heard before he blacked out.

__

Castiel caught Dean before he hit the ground, and dragged him to the empty chair in the room. He set Dean down as there was scurrying and chaos around him. He just held Dean.

He took out his phone and called Gabriel.

After a few rings, Gabriel’s voice answered, “Yeah?”

“Give me to Bobby.”

Gabriel gave the phone to Bobby, who answered, “What?”

“You are going to want to come to the hospital. I’m not sure what’s going on. Dean passed out. Sam went into cardiac arrest and there’s people everywhere…” Cas’ breath hitched.

“I’m on my way, Boy. Breathe.” He hung up.

Castiel sighed and stroked Dean’s hair. Eventually everybody left Sam’s room, when Sam’s machines stopped screaming.

Bobby came running in, and pressed the nurse call button. A nurse came in.

“What happened to my nephew?”

“He went into cardiac arrest. We aren’t sure why. We can only assume it was the trauma. He’s stable, now. We want to run a few more tests to make sure his heart is okay. Will you sign off on those, since you’re his legal guardian?”

Bobby nodded and signed the papers. She thanked him and she left.

“Alright, now let’s worry about Dean.”

Castiel nodded and left to ask for a cool wet washcloth.

He brought the cool washcloth back and gently pressed it against Dean’s face, “Come on, Dean. Wake up. It’s okay. Sam’s okay. Breathe. Come on sweetheart…” Castiel begged.

“Maybe we just need to give him a little while. He’ll be okay.” Bobby reassured Castiel, patting his shoulder, “Let’s go get some coffee or something.”

“I will not leave Dean alone.”

Bobby shrugged, “Okay… Do you want something to drink?”

Cas nodded, “I would like some black tea, please. Whatever they have.”

Bobby nodded and left Castiel, Dean, and Sam alone.

Castiel sat down in front of Dean’s feet and held his hands, waiting for him to wake up.

Bobby came back with a Styrofoam cup in his hand, as well as a traveling coffee mug (Castiel suspected Bobby kept a spare in his pants or something. He had _everything_ ).

He handed the cup to Castiel, and Castiel took a sip. It actually wasn’t half-bad. It wasn’t half-good, but he’d certainly had worse. At least it was strong enough for his liking.

Castiel sipped at his tea slowly, savouring the mediocre tea.

Dean began to stir, and Castiel nearly dropped his slick cup, “Dean?”

Dean hummed in response.

“Dean, open your eyes for me.”

“Five more minutes…” He whined to Castiel. He shook his head at Dean, “No, Dean. Wake up now. We’re in Sam’s hospital room.”

Dean’s eyes opened as soon as Castiel said that, “Is he okay?”

Castiel nodded, “Yeah, he’s okay. His heart suddenly stopped, but they got it working again. He’s okay. Are you?”

Dean nodded slowly, “Yeah, I’m fine.”

__

The rest of the month (which was two weeks) passed quickly. Dean and Castiel went back to school, and they spent most of their free time watching over Sam, who was still in a medically-induced coma. They were taking him off of the coma-inducing drugs on the first of the month.

When the first arrived, Dean was anxious, “Will he be okay? Will he still be paralysed? Will he be able to hear me?”

Castiel tried to ease his qualms. He mostly succeeded, until he and Dean got called out of class on the first of March. They were told to go to Sam’s bedside.

They drove in the Impala (which was given to Dean, upon his father’s imprisonment, but Cas was driving due to Dean’s broken leg) to the hospital. When they arrived, they had to stop in the waiting room. Dean was having a panic attack.

“Dean, listen to me. Come back to me. Deep breaths, okay? You’re okay. I’m right here. I’m going to hold your hand, Dean. There we go. Squeeze my hand if you can hear me. Okay, good. I’m so proud of you. I’m going to hug you, and I want you to breathe with me.” Castiel pulled Dean to him and breathed deeply but slowly.

After a good ten minutes, Dean pulled away from Castiel, “Thanks Babe. I’m okay now. Let’s go see Sam.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate any kudos/comments I receive. Thank you so much  
> PS: I do intend on doing something with the photograph at the beginning of the chapter, but I might forget. Hopefully I won't. If I do, remind me! :D <3


	19. Sam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are what is in American Sign Language. I put it in ASL format (the best I could). If you have trouble understanding what is being said, let me know and I'll adjust it so it makes more sense. <3

They walked into Sam’s hospital room. Bobby was at his bedside.

“I thought he might want you when he woke up. He always did prefer you to anyone else. They said he should be waking up any minute now… _If_ he does wake up.” He corrected himself, trying to keep from getting his hopes up.

Dean walked over to Sam’s left side and said, “Heya Sammy. It’s me, Dean. Listen, I don’t know if you can hear me or not, but you keep fighting, okay? Open your eyes if you can. I don’t know if you’ll be able to move, but whatever happens, I’m here for you. Stay calm. Oh, I can see his eyes moving! Come on Sammy! For me. Open those dorky eyes of yours.”

Castiel watched Dean give his monologue to his brother’s comatose form, and then watched Sam’s eyes begin to move underneath his thin eyelids.

There were a few tense moments before his eyelids parted and he looked around.

“Hey Buddy! Don’t try to talk, you have a tube down your throat. If you can hear me, look up.”

Sam looked up.

“Great job, Sam. Okay, you’ve been in a coma for over two weeks. Do you remember what happened? Look up for yes, down for no.”

Sam looked down.

“Okay, that’s good, I guess. Your stupid ass tried to save me. Dad hurt you pretty bad. He’s in jail now, so you’re safe. I’m going to call a nurse now, okay?”

Sam looked up, and Dean pressed the nurse call button.

A few moments later, a nurse came in and saw that Sam was awake.

“Holy shit. He actually woke up.” She mumbled as she walked closer to Sam, “I need to go get the doctor. She’s the one who needs to check him out.”

She walked out the door and came back after a few minutes with the doctor.

The doctor’s eyes bulged, “Holy… You weren’t kidding, Vanessa. He really did wake up. Sweet Jesus it’s a miracle!” The doctor, a woman with brown, slightly wavy hair, walked towards Sam. She looked at him, “Hi sweetheart. You’re a very lucky young man. I’m going to remove this tube, okay?”

Sam looked up, and Dean replied, “Yes.”

The doctor turned to Dean, “How do you know that?

Dean shrugged slightly, “It came naturally. Up means yes and down means no.”

The doctor turned back to Sam, “You’re going to feel like… Well, awful. And I’m sorry. But it’ll feel good once it’s out.” She carefully took the tube out and unhooked the machine it was attached to. Sam began to cough. The doctor helped to sit him up and rubbed his back.

“Don’t try to speak for a while. Here, have some water.” She offered a cup with a straw in it to him. He latched onto it and got a few sips before he began spilling it onto himself. She took it away

“It’s okay, sweetheart. That’s normal. You’ve already far exceeded our expectations. Just lay back and relax, now.” She laid him back gently,

“Can you move your hands?”

His fingers twitched on his left hand and his hand balled into a fist on his right.

“There we go. That’s fantastic. You had a really bad stroke so your left side might be out of commission for at least a while. You’ll have to have physical therapy to fix that. We’ll start that tomorrow, okay? Rest for now.”

She turned and walked away, the nurse, Vanessa, following.

“There, Sammy, see? That wasn’t too bad.”

Sam opened his mouth to speak and found that he couldn’t. He was taking Sign Language as his language course at school, so he knew some. He just hoped Bobby or Cas knew it.

_“Can’t speak.”_

Castiel nodded, “I’m sorry, Sam. Do you know why?”

“ _No_.”

Dean looked at him like he was crazy.

“I told you my brother was Deaf, didn’t I?”

Dean shook his head, “No you didn’t. Which one?”

“Balthazar. He’s wonderful. I guess it never came up. Hm. Anyway, Sam, you need to rest. We’ll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”

 _“Okay._ ”

Castiel took Dean’s hand and walked away, until Castiel made Dean stop at the door, “Bobby? If you need help understanding him, there should be someone in the hospital who knows ASL.”

As they walked out of the door, Dean asked, “How long has Balthazar been Deaf?”

“He’s been Deaf forever. He was born Deaf.” Cas shrugged, “He has a Deaf boyfriend though. Hopefully you’ll get to meet them sometime. They’re truly wonderful.”

“Could you teach me Sign Language so I can understand my brother, as well as yours?” Dean asked.

“Of course, Dean. But please be aware it is not as easy as it appears.”

Dean nodded, “Okay.”

The drive back to the Novak house was quiet.

Once they arrived at the house, Castiel opened a video of someone on Youtube doing the manual alphabet (letters).

“This is my brother, Balthazar. He made a series of Youtube videos for any of us to show anyone who wanted to communicate with him. I have homework I need to do, but here. Make sure you turn the captions on, or you’ll have no idea what he’s signing.”

Castiel turned and went to do his homework as Dean hit play.

 _Hello, my name B-A-L-T-H-A-Z-A-R. Name sign_ and he did this weird funky thing with his hand that Dean didn’t catch. _Today, I teach you alphabet. Begin._

And Balthazar began to do the A B C s and Dean copied him. When the video was over, he played it again, and again. He did this until Castiel came up to him at ten and wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders, “Please come to bed. I want to cuddle with you before I fall asleep, if that’s okay.”

Dean turned to him and kissed his cheek softly, “Of course Babe. Let’s go to bed.”

Dean changed into his sleeping clothes and snuggled up against Cas and fell asleep.


	20. Justin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly filler. ASL is more prominent here. If you have any questions, let me know. I am sorry if you don't understand the phrasing. I'm trying to keep it ASL-oriented. ASL has no words for is, the, and a lot of other of those types of words. And "I", "You", "And", and "but" are only used in emphasis... So its been really hard to incorporate that. I hope you enjoy! <3

When Dean awoke, his leg itched. He leaned down to itch it and was met with a cast.

“Goddammit!” _Shit._ He glanced over to Cas, who was now stirring.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” Castiel’s voice was incredibly deep… Dean just wanted to fuck that voice.

“My leg itches and my cast is in my way.”

Castiel chuckled, “That is why you are damning our Father?”

Dean rolled his eyes and kissed Castiel’s cheek. Castiel’s eyes fluttered shut and Dean rolled out of bed carefully. Dean crept over to Castiel’s laptop and opened it back up. He went to Balthazar’s Youtube page. He found the second video in the series, titled, “Part Two: The Basics.” He clicked on it and watched. It was a ten minute-long video, but he was up for it. He had the alphabet down, he thought, so why not move on?

Three hours later, Castiel woke up. Dean turned to Castiel, _“Good morning sweetheart. Sleep good?”_

Castiel smiled pleasantly, _“Morning now? Really? Wow. Sleep awesome… Before you left. After, not good.”_

Dean’s eyes widened slightly. Castiel had signed very quickly.

 _“Slow please. Learning._ ”

Castiel smiled and repeated what he had said more slowly. Dean still liked a bit confused, so he spoke aloud as he signed it.

Dean nodded and signed, _“Okay.”_

“ _Breakfast?”_

_“Yes. Come with me.”_

Castiel smiled and grabbed Dean’s hand as they went downstairs, where they had cold cereal with milk. Over their cereal, Dean was showing off the signs he had learned. Castiel nodded along, and corrected Dean where he was wrong.

 _“You learn fast._ ”

Dean nodded his head, _“You lie. Easy. Mean, not easy… Not difficult. So-so.”_

Castiel shook his head in amusement, “ _go-to hospital?”_

Dean repeated the sign, then signed, “ _mean what?”_

_“H-O-S-P-I-T-A-L”_

Dean’s eyes lit up in understand, and he said “Hospital” while he signed it. He took care of their cereal bowls and signed, “ _Let’s go! You slow. Hurry!”_

Castiel shook his head and said, “Wait, let me brush my teeth.”

Dean impatiently waited for Castiel to come back, and when he did, they were off to the hospital.

Dean and Castiel walked into Sam’s room. Sam was awake.

_“Good Morning, D and C”_

_“My sign name Castiel”_ (Mirror but with a C)

_“Good morning, Castiel, Brother.”_

_“I learn sign language.”_ Dean signed. This elicited an eyebrow-raise from Sam.

 _“Really? Why?_ ”

“ _Castiel brother Deaf. Need learn future meet brother, I okay.”_

 _“Good. Afraid you learn only for me. Brother Deaf which?”_ Sam looked to Castiel. Some of his signs were a little confusing, because he couldn’t really use his left arm, however.

 _“B-A-L-T-H-A-Z-A-R. Balthazar._ ” (Wine but with a B. Similar to beer, but not quite.)

“ _You speak, remember. I not Deaf. Just can’t speak.”_

“Oh, I’m sorry, Sam. Usually when I sign, it’s to Balthazar, my Deaf brother, and I don’t speak around him. There is no point. I suppose it was a habit.”

“I just wanted to show you that I am learning a new language.” Dean shrugged.

Sam rolled his eyes, _“I know, idiot. Head hurt, but know you.”_

Dean turned to Cas, “ _Idiot?”_ “What’s that mean?”

Castiel smiled, “Idiot.”

Dean turned to Sam, “Bitch.”

Sam fingerspelled, “ _J-E-R-K”_

Dean grinned. Then, a nurse came in.

She said, “Hello, Sam. Time for physical therapy. Do you want them with you?” She asked, gesturing to Dean and Cas.

_“No.”_

“Alrighty then, let’s get you in the wheelchair.” She carefully put him in the wheelchair next to his bed.

Before the nurse pushed him out of the room, he signed, ” _Condom.”_

Castiel laughed, but Dean was lost.

“He said to use protection.”

Dean rolled his eyes, “He’s so stupid.”

They decided to wait until Sam got back until they left. However, it was supposed to be two hours before he got back, so they had time to spare. They went to the front desk, where Castiel asked, “Are there any Deaf children here?”

The man at the front desk nodded, “Yes, why?”

“My brother is Deaf so I know ASL. I’d like to read them a story, if that’s alright.”

“Let me call the parents and ask. One moment.”

He talked on the phone with someone, and then he hung up, “They said it was fine as long as it was only one book. Their son needs his rest.”

Castiel’s smile lit up more than the room. It lit everything up, “Thank you, Sir. Just one book.” Castiel walked to the bookshelf with children’s books and chose a ‘normal’ children’s book—Dr. Seuss is nearly impossible to sign. He walked to the room the man had told him the boy was in, with Dean on his tail.

_“Hello. My name C-A-S-T-I-E-L. Castiel. Want me read book for you?”_

The boy nodded vigorously, “ _Yes, please. My name J-U-S-T-I-N. You Deaf?”_

_“No, my brother Deaf. His age 27. This book okay?”_

_“Yes. Thank you Castiel.”_

Castiel grinned and began the book.

Dean only watched the encounter. _He is amazing with kids. He didn’t even know this kid, but he was making him smile._ Dean was incredulous.

When the book was finished, Justin pouted, “ _More, please?”_

_“No. I promised your parents one book. You here tomorrow?”_

_“Yes. Hospital awful.”_

_“I understand. Sorry. I help you?”_

_“No. Cancer. God help me, no-one else. Thank you.”_

_“Pray with you?”_

_“Please.”_

They prayed in Sign together. Dean watched in awe. He didn’t believe in God before, but he was seriously considering it now. It was a beautiful sight to see Castiel interacting with this Deaf boy.

Justin yawned.

“ _I go now. Maybe tomorrow I read again. Okay?”_

 _“Okay. Thank you Castiel. Who that?”_ Justin asked, pointing to Dean.

 _“D-E-A-N. He my boyfriend.”_ He glanced over to Dean and shielded his next phrase, “ _I love him. Don’t tell him.”_ Castiel winked to the boy.

_“Boyfriend? You gay?”_

_“Yes. I gay. He B-I.”_

_“B-I mean what?”_

_“Like boys andgirls.”_

_“Oh I see. Okay. I tired. See you tomorrow.”_

_“Bye.”_ Castiel signed, grabbing Dean’s hand and walking out.

“Cas, you are amazing with kids. That was the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen.”

Castiel grinned, “I do my best.” They walked back to Sam’s room. They still had another hour before Sam was supposed to be back, so they went to the cafeteria, where they had cherry pie. Both Dean and Castiel had a slice. They ate slowly and talked throughout the eating of their pies.

Afterwards, they went all the way back to Sam’s room again. Sam was just getting there.

“ _Tired. Sleep now. Bye.”_ Sam closed his eyes, exhausted. They let him sleep, and they left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Dean as becoming obsessive when he wants to learn something, so that's why he's learning ASL so quickly. Normally I wouldn't have someone get this good so quickly, but I feel as if if canon Dean were to do it, the same would happen. Also, he's not perfect. Idk I'm doing my best but it's hard because I don't remember what words I learned first in ASL... I'm doing my best. Much love, <3


	21. Diagnosis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicidal thoughts/announcements and anxiety attack.
> 
> Please don't hate me. 

The next week, Sam came home. Well, not home. To the Novak house, because Brady was still freaked out about being possessed, and Dean wanted to be able to take care of his little brother. He was stuck in a wheelchair, mostly, though, because his left leg was useless and his left arm wasn’t much better (not that that has anything to do with walking).

The couch downstairs pulled out into a bed, so he slept on that. He needed help showering, too. He did nothing but complain the whole while Dean helped him.

He still couldn’t talk, but he didn’t find it to be much of a problem, since he knew enough Sign Language to get him by. He wanted to focus on learning how to walk again, before worrying about speech therapy.

Castiel and Dean took Sam to his physical therapy three times a week. While they waited for him to get done, Castiel signed a story to Justin, the Deaf boy with cancer.

When they finished that Friday’s book, the little boy signed, _“I’m dying._ ”

 _“No you’re not.”_ Castiel debated, _“You seem better. Wrong what?”_

_“My cancer spread. My heart, brain. Soon, die.”_

_“ Sorry Justin. Something I do help?”_

Justin sighed loudly, _“No. Unless you angel.”_

_“Not. Sorry. Time before you die?”_

_“Doctor try hide, but think week or two.”_

_“Want me continue read?”_

_“Of course, Castiel. I love you.”_

Castiel grinned and looked up to Dean, whose eyes were shining.

Dean signed, “ _You love Castiel? He mine”_

_“Know that. Similar family. Kind love for family.”_

_“That okay. Not want you take my boyfriend.”_ Dean laughed quietly.

There was a knock at the door and a woman with medium-brown hair and gorgeous, sparkling brown eyes came in. She signed and spoke at the same time, “Are you the boy who’s been reading to Justin?”

Castiel turned to the woman, but not too much, so Justin could still see his signs, “Yes, I’m Castiel. This is my boyfriend, Dean.”

“It’s nice to meet you both.” She shook their hands, “Justin’s been going on and on about you, and how beautiful your signing is. I can now see what he means. How did you get so good? I’ve been signing to him for five years, since he was born and we found out he couldn’t hear, but of course I was learning so I suppose I wasn’t that great…” She rambled.

There was a silence, “Oh,” the woman continued, “I’m Veronica, Justin’s mother.”

They smiled to each other for a few moments. Then, Castiel turned to Dean, “Can you stay with Justin and talk with him while I talk to Veronica?”

“Of course.” Dean said, and Castiel led Veronica out of the door.

“Is it true that he only has a week or two to live?”

Veronica’s eyes flicked downwards, and her eyes began to fill with tears, “Y-yes. I… I don’t know what I’ll do without him…”

“May I hug you, ma’am?” Castiel asked. And when she nodded, he leaned down several inches to hug her tightly, “You’ll be okay. I’ll be here for you, if you want me to be. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s just a boy, I know that. I am so glad I’ve met him, though, you want to know why?”

“Why, Castiel?”

“Because of the light that shines whenever he sees someone sign with him. He’s always surprised when he sees me again. I don’t think he gets to see many people around him sign. And I love how intelligent he is. It’s rare that he doesn’t understand something I say. You are so, so lucky to have had the time you got with him.”

By the end of his monologue, Veronica’s eyes were bloodshot and she had tears and snot streaming down her face. Castiel just wrapped her up in a tight hug, again.

They stood like that for quite a while, until Veronica was decently composed.

When they walked in, they caught the tail end of a conversation that appeared intense.

_“Want loud music, funny videos, people I love, pretty colours… Not want black and grey… Awful. Oh, my body? Not there. Not want people see. Dead people ugly. Agree?”_

Dean laughed, _“Yes, same. Your mom back.”_ Dean gestured to the now-open door.

Veronica came in and sat at Justin’s bedside, _“You want those things at your funeral?”_

_“Yes, Momma, please. Not want funeral sad. Want happy. I happy I live five years. You too, okay?”_

“ _I try. Hard. I love you. Future I miss you.”_

“ _Same, Momma. But no crying. None. Zero. Understand?”_

_“Yes, baby, I understand. Want Castiel and D-E-A-N there?”_

_“Yes, please. I love Castiel. He awesome!”_

_“You want, you get. You seem sleepy. Ready sleep?”_

_“Yes. Goodbye Castiel, D-E-A-N. See you guys Monday, right?”_

Castiel smiled, _“Of course, Justin. Sweet dreams. Rest well.”_ Castiel took Dean’s hand and walked out the door.

Castiel zoned out until suddenly he was in front of his house.

“Cas? Are you okay?” Dean sounded worried, like he had already asked that a dozen times. Castiel looked to Dean.

“ _Mean what? Fine.”_

“I don’t know why you’re signing, but you’re not fine. Come on. Let’s get you to your room.”

“You need help up the stairs, Dean, not me. So I’ll help you.” He grunted to Dean, taking his good arm and helping him to his room.

Once they got to Castiel’s room and the door was closed, Castiel fell to his knees on the floor. A sob ripped out of him that sounded like a wounded animal.

“Cas! What’s wrong?”

Castiel couldn’t speak through his sobs, and he didn’t lift his face up out of shame, but he did sign, _“Justin age five. Age five. Why God awful, do that? Justin innocent child! Not deserve death! Why not me? Why am I alive, he dying. Not fair. Not want continue live. Want death. Can’t continue. Justin… I’m so sorry… Can’t live. Can’t. Refuse.”_

“No, no, Cas, listen to me. You can get through this. **_We_** can get through this.”

_“ **You. Not. Understand.** Justin die why? **Why?** Not fair. Me? Awful person. Fucked up. Justin? Deserves life. If I die, maybe he lives?”_

“Castiel!” Dean carefully got onto the floor and scooched over to Castiel’s form, curled into a ball and shaking. He wrapped his arms around Castiel.

“Castiel, breathe. What’s happening to Justin is awful. I know. It’s unfair. But there’s nothing we can do. You killing yourself wouldn’t help anything. How do you think Justin would feel if he found out you were dead because of him? He’s only five. How do you think he’d handle that?”

Castiel took a deep, shuddering breath, “Dean,” his voice was hoarse and more gravelly than usual, “I know what you’re saying is right, but I can’t help my feelings right now. I can’t… I can’t cope with this.”

“That’s why I’m here. You don’t have to handle this. **We do.** ”

Castiel nodded into Dean’s shoulder.

Dean continued to hold Cas, and Cas continued to cry. Eventually, Cas fell asleep and Dean laid them both down, three feet from the bed.


	22. Blashphemy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm and suicidal ideation. 
> 
> Blasphemy is present in this chapter.

It was two in the morning when Cas woke up. He couldn’t figure out why he was on the floor for a few moments, until he remembered sobbing into Dean’s arms. He must have fallen asleep. 

Castiel carefully untangled himself from Dean, grabbed his altoid tin, and went to the bathroom. He took out his razor and just held it. He pressed it to his skin a few times, but never dragged it, so skin never broke.

The more he thought about Justin, the worse it got. And that’s all he could think about. Tears ran down his face and he couldn’t cope with so much pain.

He carefully made five medium-sized cuts on his thigh, one for each measly year Justin got to live.

Castiel thought about ending it all, but he couldn’t. Not then. It was not the right time. Dean was right, how would the five year-old react when he found out Cas had killed himself because of him?

He didn’t want the little boy to have to deal with that.

He cleaned his blade and cuts and returned the blade to the tin. He left the bathroom and returned the tin to its rightful place, and then went to Gabriel’s room. Gabriel was fast asleep, but Cas knew he wouldn’t mind. He crawled into Gabe’s bed and hugged him.

Gabriel slowly woke up and hugged Castiel back, and pulled him close.

“What’s wrong, Baby Bro?”

Castiel shook his head, “I just need a hug.”

“Okay Cassie. I’m here if you wanna talk.”

“Of course. I love you Gabe.”

“Love you too Bro. Come on, let’s get some sleep.”

Castiel burrowed his head into Gabriel’s shoulder and fell asleep in the warmth of his brother’s embrace.

When Castiel awoke, it was bright out and he was alone in his brother’s room. He got up and went to his room, where Dean was still asleep on the floor. Castiel knelt down near Dean’s head and stroked the sandy hair there.

Dean’s eyes fluttered and he opened his eyes groggily, forest-greens boring into ocean-blue.

“Good morning, Dean. Are you hungry?”

_“Hungry for cock.”_

“Where on Earth did you learn that sign, Dean?”

 _“Balthazar videos, one about sexy signs_ ”

 _“_ Come here.” Castiel said, pulling Dean’s head up a bit, so he could have better access, and kissed him. Hard, and full of passion and lust.

Dean groaned and rocked his hips into the air, “Need you, Cas. Please.”

“Not yet. I am not ready, with us. However, I do have an idea. Can you wait until my father and brother leave for work?”

“Sure, sure, of course. Whatever you want.” Dean said hurriedly.

“Alright. Let’s cuddle until they leave.”

“Okay. On the bed?” Castiel grinned, and pulled Dean up effortlessly. He led his boyfriend to his bed and they laid down together.

After over an hour, G.W. and Gabriel finally left. Castiel sat up, grinning.

“What is it, Cas?”

“Are you ready for a very titillated boyfriend?”

“What’s that mean?” Dean asked, curious.

Castiel looked at Dean with wide eyes, “I told you just a few days ago. Aroused.”

“Oh!” Dean’s eyes lit up in understanding, “You get horny when you do pot. Are we going to do pot?”

Castiel nodded, reaching over to his bookshelf. He pulled out the Bible and opened it about halfway.

“Uh, Cas, what are you doing?”

Castiel responded by pulling a bag of weed out of the Bible, which had been hallowed out.

“Shit, Cas. That’s a genius idea!”

“I know.” He flipped to the back of the Bible and tore a page out. He began rolling joints. Dean just watched him, amazed by how lithe his fingers were as he worked, how familiar this was to Cas… But mostly, how hot it was, watching his boyfriend roll joints so perfectly.

After a few minutes, there were four joints rolled.

“This cannabis is not very strong.” Castiel said bluntly, handing Dean two of them.

Castiel pulled a silver lighter out of the Bible and lit one of his joints, sucking in the sweet smoke. He handed the lighter to Dean, who, after fumbling for a few moments, finally got his joint lit.

Dean sucked in a deep breath, and in the middle of said breath, he caught Castiel making a smoke jellyfish. Dean began to cough. He hacked up a lung, and his chest hurt.

“How—“ Dean began, his voice hoarse from coughing, “The fuck did you do that?!”

Castiel shrugged, taking a long pull from the blunt in his hand. He held it in for a few moments, then slowly let it out, creating another jellyfish.

“I had a plethora of marijuana one day, and nobody was home. I decided to play with the exhaled smoke. It took… Hmm… Four joints before I figured out how to do it like this. Which I suppose is a good thing, considering that I stopped after that. I was incredibly intoxicated.”

Dean smiled, taking another drag on his joint. He pulled Castiel to him and pushed the smoke into his mouth. Castiel smiled and inhaled the smoke. Their kiss broke and Castiel blew the smoke out of his nose.

“That was nice.”

"Nice? That was awesome!" Dean exclaimed, taking a long drag.

Castiel took the final drag on his joint, finishing it. He set it in an ash tray that was underneath his bed. He immediately lit his second one. He was definitely beginning to feel the effects of the weed, though. His head was more flow and less choppy. He smiled happily.

Dean took his final drag and set it down, feeling very high. He laid back in Castiel’s bed and hmmed softly.

Castiel smiled and kissed him, blowing a lungful of smoke into Dean.

Dean was surprised but not unhappy about it. He held the smoke and blew it out in an uncoordinated pattern, trying to imitate Castiel. He failed, and began to laugh erratically.

Castiel began to laugh himself, asking between laughs, “Why… Is this funny?”

Dean shrugged, “I ‘unno. But it is!” Dean laughed, kissing Castiel. When Dean tried to deepen the kiss, Castiel pulled away.

Dean began to pout, but Castiel shook his head, “I do not wish to waste this precious, and slightly illegal, substance.”

Dean rolled his eyes and watched as Castiel finished smoking his joint. Once he was done, and the joint put in the ash tray, Dean’s lips attached themselves to Castiel’s. Castiel gasped and moaned into the touch.

Dean rolled on top of Castiel and felt his erection against his thigh.

Castiel ground up against Dean's thigh and moaned a filthy, should-be-illegal-everywhere moan.

"Can I suck you off?” Dean asked lowly. Castiel began nodded frantically, “Please, please, please, Dean, please.”

Dean smiled and slipped Castiel’s jeans and boxers to his knees and immediately took Castiel’s gorgeous cock into his waiting mouth. He went as far as he could, and what he couldn’t get, he pumped with his left hand, his right still being useless in the cast.

Castiel keened and bucked up into Dean’s mouth. Dean gagged slightly and used his right arm to press Castiel’s hips back down, and keep them there. Dean twisted his head and his tongue however he could.

Castiel came suddenly, a shout on his lips. What he shouted, Dean wasn’t sure. But it was certainly a shout.

Dean swallowed all that he could, but he had some dribbling out of his mouth. Castiel pulled Dean up and licked his own spunk off Dean’s face. They kissed for a few minutes more, until Castiel pushed Dean back and yanked up his own pants before pulling Dean’s down.

“May I?” Castiel asked.

“Fuck yeah, Cas.” And that was all Castiel needed to envelope Dean’s luscious erection into his mouth.

Dean groaned and tried not to buck up into Castiel's mouth. Castiel held him down anyway, and relaxed his throat, allowing him to slowly take all of Dean.

“I-I’m not gonna last long!”

 _“Come._ ” Castiel commanded with his right hand, as his left stroked Dean’s balls gently. Dean came and Castiel didn’t get much of a taste, for which he was unhappy, but he pulled off of Dean after pleasuring him through his orgasmic waves. He crawled up to Dean and they kissed lazily.

They fell asleep in each other’s arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, since Cas is Jewish he wouldn't need a Bible like that, and who would think to look in a Bible for weed and stuff? Also, I've heard that Bible pages are the best for smoking. *shrug* I don't normally do stuff like that so I don't know a whole lot. I hope you enjoyed this chapter though. <3
> 
> PS: I think that pot is Cas' coping mechanism here. But with Dean there he's been laying off the weed. *shrug*


	23. Oops

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished this story. I will continue to update every day until I finish it... There will definitely be a part two. I cried. Hopefully you'll cry too. Alright, happy reading! <3

When they woke up, Castiel’s mouth was dry and felt cottony. He groaned and got up. He woke Dean up so he wouldn’t be alone in the house. The two of them walked downstairs, where they saw Sam sitting angrily at the foot of the steps.

_“I hate you two. I can still hear, jerk!”_

“Shit. I forgot you were here. I’m sorry, Sammy.” Dean ruffled Sam’s hair.

 _“Fuck you._ ”

Dean rolled his eyes and stepped over his brother’s wheelchair and into the kitchen, where he got two glasses of water and handed one to Cas. Cas gulped his hungrily down.

Sam snapped unhappily.

“What?” Dean asked.

_“Smell W-E-E-D?”_

“Yeah, why do you care?”

 _“Wish you share.”_ He signed, rolling to the TV and turning it on again.

"Yeah well last I knew, Sammy, you were a goody two-shoes. Maybe I would have offered some if—Nope. Wouldn’t have offered any. Sorry Sammy.” Dean said once he saw the look Castiel was giving him.

“ _My drugs, I chose share with whom.”_ Castiel signed angrily

Dean held his hands up in surrender, “Sorry Cas, didn’t know you were so protective of your pot. Sorry man.” He said walking over to kiss Cas chastely.

Sam waved his hand in Dean’s peripheral vision until Dean turned to him, and Dean angrily spoke while he signed, “What?!”

_“I need go to hospital one hour. P.T.”_

“Physical therapy?”

_“Yes.”_

_“_ Alright then, Cas and I will eat and then we’ll go.”

The two of them ate in silence, both deep in thought.

Half an hour later, they were ready to go and Dean was wheeling Sam carefully out the door. He helped Sam into the back seat and buckled him in (which got Sam signing angrily at him).

He and Cas got in the front of the Car and interlocked their hands.

The way to the hospital was quiet, since Sam couldn’t speak and Dean and Cas were both in their own thought spaces.

While Sam was in physical therapy, Cas went up to see Justin. He grabbed a book and went into his room. It was just him, and he looked up excitedly when he saw Cas.

_“Hey Castiel! Thought you stop coming. Why? I dying.”_

_“No, Justin, never! I love you. Want me read?”_

_“Yes, but not that one. Real book. Like a big kid.”_

_“Okay. Wait a minute.”_ Castiel left and went back to the bookshelf. He found a book that looked interesting, I Survived Attacks of September 11, 2001. He took it back into Justin’s room and began to sign.

 _“Tuesday, September 11, year 2001. Time eight forty-six morning. NYC, New York.”_ He began, hands flying as he read the book to the boy.

He read two chapters, but after the second chapter, Justin’s eyelids were dropping.

_“You tired?”_

_“Yes. Very tired. Sorry… You read awesome! See you tomorrow?”_

_“Of course.”_ Castiel signed, making a mental note to tell Dean he wanted to come back the following day. _“Book here.”_ Castiel set the book down on the end table next to Justin’s head.

Justin’s eyebrows were scrunched down, asking “ _Why?”_

“ _Someone might take it, read. We not have it.”_

Justin nodded, “ _Alright.”_

_“I need go now, You need something?”_

_“No. You leave. Okay. I love you Castiel!”_

_“I love you Justin.”_ Castiel walked out the door with a smile on his face. He approached the man at the desk, “Hello, my name is Castiel Novak and I just wanted to let you know that the book I’m currently reading to Justin, the boy in that room right there,” he pointed to the door, “Needs to stay in there. It’s a chapter book and I am reading it to him.”

He sighed and nodded, “Okay.”

Castiel walked away. He met up with Dean in the cafeteria, as Dean had wanted to let him have his time with Justin. Castiel hugged him in a bittersweet state of emotions and held Dean.

This is a pattern that continued every day, from the boy in the book finding out he couldn’t play football anymore, all the way to chapter eleven, the second-to-last chapter, where three people died. They had nearly finished the book, today. It had taken a five days, but they had.

Justin had asked Castiel questions throughout the story, like “ _Buildings not fall down why?”_ and things of a similar nature. He was a very curious child, and for that, Castiel was smitten with this little boy.

“Dean, I can’t wait until tomorrow! Tomorrow we’re reading the last chapter!” Castiel was excited.

“Come on you little dork, let’s go tell him goodbye, or he’ll smite us tomorrow. You know how Justin is…” Dean laughed and tugged Castiel back into Justin’s room.

Dean signed, _"We leave soon, back tomorrow. Final part before finish!”_

_“I know. Castiel, please, one more, last one, please?”_

" _Can’t. Your mom? Kill me.”_

Justin’s face fell, and looked sadly at Castiel, _“Okay. But promise, back tomorrow. You lie, Future I follow you around I ghost.”_

Castiel smiled, _“I promise. I love you, Justin.”_

 _“I love you Castiel. Dean.”_ The boy grinned shyly, his sickly pallor lessened by his smile.

Dean paused for a moment, before he asked, _“That sign mean what?”_

Castiel smiled and asked Justin, _“That sign, name for D-E-A-N?”_

 _“Yes. Sign name. Dean like cars. So sign name Dean.”_ (Car but with Ds instead of Os)

 _“Thank you. I surprised I receive sign name. Happy. Thank you.”_ Dean signed, grinning from ear to ear.

Justin signed back, _“Welcome. Always welcome. Love you two. Tired. Bye._ ”

The two of them walked hand in hand out of his room and walked together to the cafeteria, which had become Sam and Dean’s meeting spot once Sam finished physical therapy.

Speaking of, Sam was getting angry because he hadn’t gotten very far with his ability to move his left arm or hand or his ability to walk. He just wanted to be a normal human again! He missed Brady… Brady wouldn’t answer his texts or calls… He was getting very, very sad and lonely.

Dean promised to make it all better, though. He had faith in Dean. So he waited patiently for it to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book is "I Survived the Attacks of September 11, 2001" by Lauren Tarshis. I read the whole book today to be able to work with it. It is a great book for children grades 3-5. If you don't know much about 9/11, then I recommend you read it. Hell, I was in upstate NY when it happened, and I remember a lot of it (especially considering I was only four at the time), but I learned a lot from it. I highly recommend it. And of course, I do not own the rights to it or anything, it's not mine, yadda yadda... But you should definitely get it. <3


	24. End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Panic attack and suicidal ideation

The following day, Castiel got up early to see Justin. He was excited to finish the book, as silly as that might seem.

It was ten when Castiel got fed up and dragged Dean out of bed, begging to go.

“All right, all right. I’ll take you.” Dean smiled as his excited boyfriend and got day clothes on. He brushed his teeth and walked out to the Impala, where Cas was waiting for him in the driver’s seat.

The drive to the hospital was quiet, but not uncomfortable. Dean had put in a random tape but he wasn’t paying attention to it. He was just enjoying the comfortable drive to the hospital

When they arrived there, Castiel hurried up to the paediatric floor with Dean’s hand in his. He rushed into Justin’s room with a smile on his face, and Dean stayed outside, leaning against the wall. It wouldn’t be too long, it was only one chapter, so he figured he’d just wait there.

Castiel came running back out of the room and ran to the nurse’s station.

“Excuse me?” he signed while he spoke, “Where is Justin? He was in the room right there yesterday when I left. I promised him I’d read the final chapter of the book to him today. Where is he?!”

The nurse checked in her computer before looking up to Castiel. She sighed and gave him a sad smile.

“He passed away in his sleep last night. I’m so sorry for your loss.”

It was then that Castiel’s world shattered. He fell to his knees and just stared at the floor. He felt nothing, saw nothing, heard nothing, was nothing.

Castiel did not think anything, either, for a while. Then thoughts began to come to him. Mostly of Justin and the smile on his face when they left the previous day. His laugh, his slang signs, and his enthusiasm towards anything he felt like.

He mentally replayed every moment he had spent with Justin.

Then he felt again. He felt the ground beneath his legs, which were folded underneath him, the dampness of his face, and the pressure wrapped around him. A hug, he realised. He wondered where he was.

Next came his hearing.

“Cas, come on Baby, listen to me. You can’t do this. Snap out of it. We’ll talk about it, okay? Come on Baby. Open those beautiful oceans you call eyes for me. Come on Baby.”

Castiel realised that was Dean’s voice. The one he loved.

Lastly was his sight. His vision had been white but it slowly darkened and gained colour. He began looking around. He saw the hospital around him and realised where he was. Then he remembered why he was here, and why he was so lonely all of the sudden.

His arms slowly raised to wrap around Dean’s torso, and what Dean had been saying shifted from begging to asking, “Cas? Are you back?”

Castiel nodded into Dean’s shoulder and began bawling. He had been crying before, but now he was sobbing. His nose was running and his eyes hurt and his shoulders were shaking and sobs were screaming out of his throat.

Dean was rubbing his back in circles, “Shh, Cas, it’s okay. He’s in a better place. He’s not suffering anymore. Breathe Baby. Breathe. Sh sh shhh… It’s okay. Baby you’re okay. I’m here. I’m here. We’ll get through this. You’re okay. Baby, you’re okay.”

Neither know how long they were on the ground in front of the nurse’s station for, but eventually, Castiel’s sobs died off into sniffling and the occasional shoulder-wracking sob. A nurse was there. He handed Dean a box of tissues, and Dean carefully cleaned Castiel’s face.

“Let’s go home, Baby.” Dean suggested.

“Bookstore first.”

“Okay. Bookstore first. Let’s go.”

Castiel wiped his eyes and nose again with a clean tissue Dean handed him, and Dean helped him stand up. He was shaky and dizzy and he didn’t know how he was going to live.

Dean helped Castiel into the Impala. He walked around to the driver’s side and got in. He started the car. The drive to the bookstore was completely silent, save for the Impala’s purring.

Dean parked close to the front, because it was the middle of a Tuesday, so it was pretty empty.

“Do you want me to go in with you?”

Castiel shook his head and got out of the car. He walked into the bookstore and went directly to the children’s section. He found the book he had been reading to Justin, walked to the front of the bookstore, and paid for it.

When he got back to the Impala, Dean was crouched over the steering wheel with his shoulders shaking.

Cas opened the door as quietly as he good, but the door still squawked, and Dean’s shoulder’s immediately stopped moving. His head popped up after a few moments, and Dean was smiling. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy and the smile was noticeably fake.

Castiel scooched close to Dean on the bench seat and wrapped his arms around the man.

“I’m fine.” He gritted, voice scratchy and hoarse.

Castiel shook his head and snuggled into Dean. Dean wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and held him close, breathing deeply.

After many long moments, Dean asked, “What’d you get?”

Castiel sighed and reached into the back and pulled out the book.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

Castiel shrugged and put the book back. Dean started the car and they headed back to the Novak house. When they arrived there, Castiel darted up to his room and grabbed the altoid tin from his dresser. He locked his door and pulled his blade out.

He was just staring at the blade in his hand, jeans shoved down to his knees. 

Dean knocked on his door, “Cas, can I come in?”  
  
Castiel didn’t answer, and just continued to stare at the blade in his hand. He twirled it lightly in his hand.

The doorknob jiggled, and Dean cursed, “Castiel, I have a lock picking kit. I am worried about you so I am coming in.”

Castiel shrugged and held the blade to his skin. He didn’t move it, just let himself feel the cold metal of blade as it slowly heated up to his body’s temperature.

There was some jiggling of the doorknob before it opened, and Dean walked into Castiel’s room, with Castiel holding a blade to his skin.

Dean gasped and dropped down to the floor next to Cas, “Don’t do it, Cas, please. Give me the blade. Come on, please?”

Castiel didn’t even acknowledge his presence.

Dean slowly reached his hand forward and took Castiel’s hand in his and lifted his hand above his thigh, “You don’t need to do this.”

Castiel nodded his head as Dean gently plucked the blade from his hand. Dean leaned down and gently kissed the recent cuts on his thighs.

Castiel’s head jolted up as if he had just come out of a stupor of some sort. He stood up quickly and pulled his jeans up. He walked over to his bed and curled up on it.

Dean stood up and took a step towards the bed before Castiel pointed to the door. Dean sighed and left, taking Castiel’s blade with him. Dean went downstairs to talk to Sam to try to figure out what to do.

As soon as Castiel was sure Dean was fully downstairs, he rolled over to face Dean’s side, and reached under his pillow. He grabbed the gun and held it in his hands, contemplating.

Justin wouldn't be sad that he caused Cas’ suicide, because he was dead. Castiel felt like he was dead inside, and saw no reason whatsoever to live.

He doesn’t know how long he sat there, but the next thing he knew, his door was thrown open and Gabriel came rushing in.

“Don’t you dare.” He rushed over and grabbed the gun from Castiel’s hands. He took the clip out and threw it. He grabbed Castiel’s hand and pulled him to his own room. He locked and bolted the door shut ( _When did Gabe get a bolt?_ ).

“Dean said you haven’t said a word since the hospital. It’s been eight hours, Cas. Dean didn’t know what to do. They decided to let you deal with this on your own, because they forgot about Dean’s fucking gun! Do you want to talk?”

Cas shook his head.

Gabriel tried again, _“Sign?”_

Castiel shook his head again.

Gabriel groaned, “Fine. Let’s do this the hard way.” He walked over to his end table and grabbed his laptop. He opened it and pulled Skype up. He called someone and handed the laptop to Castiel.

“Talk to him. I will be right outside the door, and Dean is outside beneath the window. You aren’t going anywhere.” Gabriel left his room.

Castiel looked at the screen, _“Balthazar?”_

 _“Hah. I win. You signed. Wait a sec.”_ Balthazar took his phone off the desk that Castiel couldn’t see and texted Gabriel:

_He already signed. Ha._

Then he signed, _“Cas, what’s up? Happened what?”_

Castiel shook his head, _“Don’t want chat.”_

_“Need chat someone. I right. Tell me.”_

_“Long story. You busy?”_

_“No.”_

_“Okay…”_ Castiel began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so sorry. I love you guys so much. Also, thank imthetitanic for this chapter coming out today, because I wasn't going to, but their comments on both chapters I already posted today pushed me to posting this helluva chapter today, too.. ♥
> 
> If you guys want to contact me (I don't know how the do the linky thing so old-fashioned way):  
> tumblr: ichirei  
> twitter: inchirein  
> facebook: /sabrina.russell.73


	25. I'm Not Even Gonna Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes fairly quickly and I'm sorry. A lot happens but it is nice. ( : As usual, let me know if you don't understand what's going on.
> 
> For those of you who don't know about name signs: Only Deaf people give name signs. For a Hearing person to give anyone a name sign is incredibly disrespectful (name signs are basically nicknames. They're a sign that is made for that person specifically, so you don't have to point to them or fingerspell their name every time.).

Castiel began telling Balthazar about his recent adventures.

_“D-E-A-N, name sign Dean arrived Pontiac six months past.”_

Balthazar stopped him with a few waves of his hand, _“You give him name sign?”_ Balthazar was angry.

_“No, of course not. Never. Explain later. Patience.”_

Balthazar took a deep breath and nodded.

Castiel continued, “ _Five and a half months ago, dating we start. We horny, doesn’t matter, he removed shirt… Saw cuts.”_

Balthazar stopped him again, _“Mean what?”_

_“Similar Raphael.”_

_“Show me.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Show me now.”_

Castiel sighed, changed the angle of the camera, and lifted his shirt up so Balthazar could see his stomach.

_“Past you begin when?”_

_“Forget. Long time.”_

_“Gabriel know?”_

_“Yes.”_

Balthazar sighed, “ _Continue.”_

_“Came home upset. Gabriel saw. Suspect cut again. Went together eat ice cream. Dean called, talked about my cuts. Gabriel heard. Awful.”_

_“Why go ice cream?”_

_“Gabriel thought I not cut.”_

Balthazar nods so he continues, _“Skipping stuff, doesn’t matter. Gabriel saw awful cut, almost died. Me almost die. Not Gabriel. Gabriel forced me stay home school. We chatted. Afternoon, went to Dean house. Dean not yet home. Thought doesn’t matter. Tired. Slept Dean bed._

_Woke up water splashed me. Dean his dad name J-O-H-N. Tied me chair. Dean came home, ask his dad ‘why boyfriend tied?’ He surprised. Left. Dean told me leave. Goodbye. I left._

_Future few hours, Dean called. Asked he move in temporary, he buy new place. Explain later. Comes over, hurt. Bad. His dad beat him. Bad. Why? Me. His boyfriend. Awful._

_Next day, his dad stole him. Tied him. Beat him. Broken leg and arm. Awful. S-A-M, his phone rang, his dad. Said come or Dean dead. Or something. Forget. Doesn’t matter.”_

Balthazar stopped him, _“S-A-M?”_

 _“Dean his brother.”_ Balthazar nodded.

“ _S-A-M came our home, told us happened. Made plan. We rescue Dean. Problem. J-O-H-N ready. S-A-M in room, we not. His dad beat S-A-M. Bad. Not move. Now? Okay. One hand, one leg. No speak. Can’t. Learning Sign Language school._

_He in hospital long. There often. Asked if Deaf child. Yes. J-U-S-T-I-N. Justin. I read him. Everyday. Once, asked ‘you read big kid book? Want before I die.’ I say yes._

_Twelve chapters. I read eleven chapters. I promised Justin I back today, read last chapter. Not there, Balthazar! Not there! Promise broke. I lied. Me? Awful.” _Castiel turned away from the screen and began to cry again.

Suddenly, there was a loud noise from the laptop, so Castiel looked at it. Balthazar had been banging on his desk.

“ _I understand, Castiel. Hard. Death hurts heart. Know that. You. Not. Die. Can’t. I angry you die. Spring Break next week. Coming home. Understand?”_

Castiel nodded, _“I understand. Try live see you again.”_

_“You must. Okay? Must. I need go, write paper. Text me if need someone, okay? Anytime.”_

_“Yes. I love you.”_

_“I love you Castiel. Live!”_ Balthazar hung up.

Castiel shut the laptop and opened the door. Gabriel toppled into his room.

“Geez, Bro, little warning!”

Castiel shrugged.

“Feel better?”

Castiel nodded and smiled slightly. He went downstairs to get something to eat.

____

While Cas had been in his room, Dean had taken Sam’s phone. He dialled Brady’s number.

“Hello?”

“Hi Brady. It’s Dean, Sam’s brother. Can you please come over?”

“Look, I don’t like Sam. That was the… The demon, okay? I’m sorry.”

“Explain it to him. Please.”

“Send me the address.” He hung up. Dean texted Brady the Novak family’s address.

Forty-five minutes later the doorbell rang. Dean answered it and there was Brady.

“Come on in, Brady. He’s in the living room.”

Brady walked into the living room and sat down on the couch, next to where Sam sat in his wheelchair.

“Hi, Sam. We need to talk.”

Sam turned his head to look at Brady, _“Continue.”_

Brady shrugged, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what that means”

Sam held up his finger to tell him to wait a minute. He took out his phone call Dean. He held the phone up to his ear, set his phone down, and snapped his fingers in front of the mic on his phone, then hung up. Dean came out a moment later.

“Yeah Sam?”

_“Interpret. Please.”_

“Alright.”

 _“Continue.”_ Dean interpreted the word.

Brady nodded, “The demon entered me six months ago. Before we met. You never knew the real me, Sam. And I never liked you. I don’t know what the demon wanted from you, but it wasn’t me, whatever happened. I’m so sorry.”

_“Never? Nothing real? Sex, kisses, chats… Nothing?”_

Dean interpreted it as “Never? Nothing about us was real? Not the… Eew, Sam!” He sighed, “Not the sex or the kisses or that chats…None of it?”

Brady shook his head, “None of it, and I’m sorry. You’re a nice guy, and you deserve the best. But, Sam, I’m not gay. I am actually asexual heteroromantic. I’m not into sex and I’m not… Dude, I’m not attracted to you, or anyone else. I’m sorry. My mother is expecting me back soon, so I need to go. I’m so sorry about all of this, Sam.”

Brady got up and walked out the door.

Sam turned to look at Dean. His eyes had glazed over.

_“I love him… what do now?”_

“I don’t know, Brother. Are you okay?”

“ _Fine.”_

Dean shrugged and walked away.

__

When Cas came down, Sam immediately began to snap his fingers together. Cas looked at Sam questioningly.

_“You okay?”_

Castiel shrugged and pointed to Sam as if to ask ‘are you?’

Sam sighed, _“B-R-A-D-Y here past. He demon past six months. Never him. Never love me. He A-S-E-X-U-A-L. Not like sex. Or me. Heart broken. What do?”_

Cas gave him a sad smile and gave him a tight hug.

_“Why you not talk?”_

Castiel thought for a few moments and shrugged, _“Feels wrong.”_

Sam nodded in understanding, and Cas walked away to get something to eat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking about doing gifs or something of these signs and putting them within the story? What do you think?


	26. Time Difference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a filler chapter, basically, but it happened. Please enjoy!

That night, Castiel researched asexuality. He found out it was okay and normal to not be attracted to anyone. He also found out there were two general categories of asexual people, sex-repulsed and sex-positive asexuals.

He thought about it, and realised he was not sexually attracted to anyone, and never had been. He loved Dean and loved feeling him and kissing him… And being intimate with him. He liked sex.

He only liked guys though, so he supposed he was homoromantic. He loved romantic relationships.

But how would Dean react? This was huge, and he was scared. Would Dean laugh at him? Would he say he just hasn’t looked hard enough? He was more than scared. He was terrified.

And, on top of that, he had lied to Justin. He had told Justin he was gay… He felt so guilty. He sighed. There was a knock at his door, then. He closed his laptop and opened the door. It was Dean.

“Hey,” Dean said, pulling a bouquet of lavender from his back, “They didn’t have aconite, because it’s poisonous, but this looks similar, so I wanted to give it to you. I know life sucks right now, and I was hoping these would help.” Dean handed him the bouquet.

Castiel smiled and signed, _“Thank you.”_

“He speaks!” Dean exclaimed happily, hugging Castiel gently, “Can I share your bed tonight, or should I find another room?”

Castiel pulled him into his room, set the flowers down gently after smelling them intensely, and pulled Dean with him to his bed. They fell asleep cuddling.

Castiel woke up six hours later (six am) to his phone ringing. It was Balthazar. He answered it then hung up, and texted Balthazar:

_What?_

Balthazar responded:

_Skype. Now._

Castiel sighed and grabbed his laptop, plugged his headphones in, and booted the computer up. As soon as it was up, he opened Skype. He left the room silently with his laptop in his hand, and went to Balthazar’s room, where he turned on the light and, without closing the door, sat on his bed.

He videocalled Balthazar.

Balthazar accepted the call, _“Hey Castiel! My bedroom? Why?”_

Castiel rolled his eyes, “ _Dean asleep. Now time six.”_

_“Forgot time difference, sorry. Time nine here. Guess happen what!”_

_“Balthazar, you force me wake up time six morning. Tired. Tell me.”_

Balthazar grinned and turned the camera so Castiel could see the bright lights on his brother’s ceiling that said “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

_“Zeke want marry you?”_

_“Yes! I told him yes!”_ Balthazar smiled happily, showing off his left hand, which held a golden band with something engraved.

 _“Wow, happy for you! Amazing! Say what?”_ Castiel asked, referring to the band on Balthazar’s hand.

 _“Z-E-Z-A-R. Notes we trade, that our name. S-H-I-P name.”_ Balthazar laughed, _“Past his idea. Love it.”_

Castiel nodded, _“Cute. But…”_

_“What? Something wrong?”_

_“Somewhat. I not gay.”_

_“Okay…? You B-I?”_

_“No… Research computer… Scared tell you…”_

_“Castiel, fine. Okay. Tell me. Not mad.”_

_“A-S-E-X-U-A-L.”_

Balthazar shrugged, _“Like sex or no?”_

Castiel blushed, _“Yes!”_

_“H-O-M-O-R-O-M-A-N-T-I-C?”_

_“Yes. You know how?”_

_“Past I research stuff similar. Know jargon for not straight community.”_

_“Okay. You don’t think I wrong or… Something?”_

_“Of course not. Some people not want sex for faces.”_ Balthazar shrugged again, _“Dean know?”_

_“No. Realised yesterday. Afraid he think I stupid.”_

_“No, he not. Never. Tell him.”_

_“Why? Change nothing our relationship, point what?”_

_“Part you. Matters. Tell him.”_

_“Scared. What if he—“_

Balthazar interrupted him, _“Stop. No what if. Fine. He understand. Tell him. Now, I chat my wedding?”_

_“Dork. Go ahead.”_

_“Wedding, want rainbow things. And white. Both dress fancy. Outdoors. Red velvet cake. Loud music. Hearies must use ear plugs.”_

Castiel laughed and rolled his eyes, _“Of course.”_ Castiel turned to the doorway after he saw the door move slightly. _“One minute.”_

Castiel got up and walked to the doorway, where Dean was standing. Castiel gave him a questioning look.

“I woke up when you left the bed. I was just watching you. You signing is so beautiful. It’s too bad I didn’t catch almost any of it.” Dean sighed.

Castiel dragged Dean into the room and towards the laptop. Once facing the laptop, he signed, _“Balthazar, meet Dean.”_ And said, “Dean, meet Balthazar.”

_“Hello, Dean. You learn Sign Language, right?”_

_“Yes. Hope sign not bad. Sorry. Why call Castiel E-A-R-L-Y?”_

Balthazar chuckled, _“My boyfriend, Z-E-K-E, Zeke, asked me marry him. I told him yes. Want tell Castiel. Forgot time difference.”_

Dean’s eyes widened, _“Wow. Awesome! Date long time?”_

_“Three years we date. I love him. Need to go, Castiel, tell him. Goodbye, sweethearts!”_

The call ended.

“Tell me what?” Dean asked softly. Castiel just shook his head and laid down on Balthazar’s bed and fell asleep. Dean walked out of the room, shut the light off, and went back to Castiel’s room.

What if Castiel wanted to break up with him? He didn’t know what he’d do if that was it… He laid back down to sleep. He didn’t sleep well, but he slept.

When Castiel woke up again at eight, he decided that he’d tell Dean in a letter. He began:

_Dean—_

_I am terrified to tell you this. It will not change our relationship in the least, not as far as I know, but still, I remain scared. I am afraid you will reject me and refer to me as a freak. I fear you will leave me. But alas! Balthazar told you I need to tell you something, so I need to tell you sooner rather than later._

_I do not know if you will know what this means, so I will explain it below. I am asexual homoromantic (sex-positive)._

_Asexual: Lacking sexual attraction (does not mean they dislike sex or do not want it. Also does not mean they do not appreciate aesthetic qualities. They simply do not see a person and think “I want to fuck that.”)_

_Homoromantic: Having romantic attraction to those of the same sex._

_Sex-Positive: One of the two general sides asexual people take. Meaning that a person identifying as such enjoy sex._

_So there you have it; now you know more about me. I only realised this about myself last night, so I was afraid to tell you so soon. It’s still new to me, and it’s not easy to do this. But here I am, sat down at Balthazar’s desk, writing you this letter._

_I hope you do not leave, because I love you. But if you leave, I will understand._

_Take Care,_

_Castiel_ _♥_


	27. Jody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno, this just kinda happened. *shrug*

Castiel set the piece of paper next to Dean’s head on his bed, while he’s asleep, and went out for a jog. He was gone for three hours. He spent most of that time at a park a forty-five minute jog away from his house. He wanted to be sure that Dean had read the letter before he got back.

While he was gone, Dean woke up and rolled over onto the letter. He read it and couldn’t understand why Castiel thought he would have a negative reaction.

When Castiel came back, Dean smiled at him and hugged him tightly, “I don’t care what your sexuality is, man. Why did you think I would?”

Castiel pulled away and shrugged.

Then, his phone rang. He answered it with a gravelly “Hello?” since he hadn’t spoken in several days.

“Yes, hello, this is…” There was a deep breath on the other end, “This is Justin’s mom. I just wanted you to know that you are invited to the funeral. It’s the day after tomorrow at one in the afternoon. Justin really wanted you to be there.”

“I will be there. Thank you so much.”

“It will be at the funeral home next to the Episcopal church on first street.”

“Okay. Thank you so much. I will be there. Call me if you need anything.” Castiel then hung up.

“Who was that?”

“Funeral day after tomorrow.” Castiel said, surprising Dean. Castiel turned and walked to his room.

Dean followed Castiel, “Are you okay?”

Castiel turned around and gave Dean a look that said ‘do you really think I’d be okay right now?’

Dean sighed, “Yeah, you’re right. Okay, what can I do to help you?”

“ _Sit with me.”_

“I don’t know that first sign.

“ _S-I-T.”_

“Oh, okay, sure.” Dean followed Castiel into his room, where Castiel got out a piece of paper and the book he’d bought the day he found out Justin had passed away. He set to work translating and Dean just looked over his shoulder.

The rest of the day passed in silence. Castiel did not speak or sign, and nobody bothered him, once Dean told them that Justin’s funeral would be in two days.

Late that night, Castiel woke to the doorbell ringing and lights flashing. He got up groggily and got to the top of the stairs, before Bobby had gotten to the door.

A beautiful woman with sleek brown hair was at the door, and she was in a police uniform.

“Jody, you came. I was worried you wouldn’t show.”

“Of course I came Robert! A kid needs me. That’s all I need to come runnin’. What do I need to do?”

“Just talk to the boy. He probably won’t talk back to you, but that’s completely normal for him right now. He’s been reading to this Deaf boy with cancer every day… And the little boy died. The funeral is the day after tomorrow.”

“I’ll talk to him in the morning.”

Castiel waved his hand slightly to get the officer’s attention. The woman’s dull, sad eyes turned to his.

“Are you Castiel?” She asked softly, as if speaking too loudly would scare him.

Castiel nodded, “Alright then sweetheart, come on down here so we can talk. Is that okay?”

Castiel nodded again and slowly walked down the steps and into the front room where Jody was waiting.

“I’ll just be… Outside.” Bobby said awkwardly, walking out the door.

“Let’s go to the living room, okay? Can you show me the way?”

Castiel took her hand and led her to the living room. He sat down at one end of the couch, and Jody sat at the other end, turned towards Castiel.

“Hello, Castiel. I’m Sherriff Jody Mills from Sioux Falls. I’m going to give you a little background info on my life before I talk about you, okay?” She didn’t wait for an answer to continue, “Once upon a time, I had son named Owen. A few years ago, he died. It was awful and I would do anything to have him back in my arms, even for a little while. My Owen was only ten years old when he died. I know it wasn’t fair honey, I know it wasn’t. But life can be so unfair sometimes… There is nothing you can do about it, Castiel. That little boy of yours was suffering pretty bad. He’s in a better place now, and he no longer has to deal with people being awful to him because he’s Deaf, right?”

Castiel nodded, wiping his damp eyes.

“He isn’t in pain anymore and while it wasn’t fair, it happened. It’s over. All you can do is breathe and get through it. Think you can do that?”

Castiel shook his head, _“No. Can’t. Miss Justin. Beautiful spirit. Unfair. Can’t live.”_

“I don’t know Sign Language, Buddy. Can you speak for me?” She moved closer to Castiel and laid a hand on his knee. Castiel lost it and wrapped his arms around Jody and began bawling uncontrollably.

“Not fair, Sherriff. Not fair. Only five. Can’t live. Poor Justin. Miss him. Love him.” Castiel managed between sobs.

“I know it’s not fair honey. I know. But you need to live. How happy do you think Justin would be if you left Earth because of him?”

Castiel only shook his head, “That’s what I thought. It’s an ugly truth, that children die. But they do and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing you can do about it. Nobody can help it.”

Castiel nodded slowly, tears falling less quickly. His sobs slowed down and his breathing calmed. Jody rubbed his back soothingly, “That’s it. That’s it.” She cooed.

When Castiel pulled away from her, his eyes were bloodshot and puffy, “I’m so sorry, Sherriff.”

She shook her head at him, smiling softly, “Don’t be. It’s fine. I understand. Death is hard, and it’s even harder when it’s a child. You have to remember that he was lucky to live the time he did, and that you were a part of it. Whenever I start to miss Owen, I remember how happy he was whenever he saw me, and I am so happy I got to receive the love that I did from him. Focus on the positive.”

“It’s so hard, though.”

Jody pulled him in to her body, “I know, Castiel, I know. Listen, how ‘bout we make some tea and then hit the hay. It’s after midnight. Show me to the kitchen so we can make some tea?”

Castiel nodded and got up and walked into the kitchen, where he made two cups of tea in silence. He gave one to Jody and took the other for himself. He sipped at it slowly, enjoying the smooth taste of the leaves.

“You make a mean tea, Castiel.”

“Thank you, ma’am. My brother taught me.”

“You’ve got a good brother. Now I’m going to go lay down on the couch, and you’re going to go back up to bed, okay Mister?”

“Yes ma’am. Have a good night.”

“Sweet dreams, Castiel.” Jody smiled lightly as Castiel put his now-empty cup in the sink and walked back up to his room and cuddled into Dean, falling into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to do links on here, but could y'all go read imthetitanic's fic "I Will Do Something" It is amazing and I absolutely love her and her work. <3   
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3175244


	28. Welp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me too much. Also, chapter 29 is nothing but the translation. I really hope this comes across the way I intended it to!

The next day passed quickly, as Castiel slept most of it. He didn’t wake up until two in the afternoon, and when he walked downstairs, Jody was nowhere to be seen. Only his father, Dean, Bobby, and Gabriel were downstairs. So he asked, “Where is Sherriff Jody Mills?”

“How do you know Sherriff Jody Mills?” Bobby grunted out.

“You invited her here last night. Her son, Owen died when he was ten. She’s the Sherriff of Sioux Falls. She made me feel so much better and I didn’t thank her last night. Where is she?”

Bobby looked at his hands sadly, “Castiel, Sherriff Jody Mills has been dead for six years. She killed herself two years after her son passed away.”

“What? But… But I spoke with her! And made her tea! I left my cup in the sink, and she said she’d sleep on the couch.” Castiel began panicking, “She helped me so much! How could she be dead?”

“I dunno, Castiel. Get something to eat. You’re probably starving.”

Castiel nodded and pulled some frozen waffles out of the freezer. He put them in the toaster and grabbed a plate while he was waiting for them to heat up. He couldn’t get the Sherriff off his mind, though. It had felt so real… So what had happened?

His waffles popped up, and he grabbed them and put them on his plate. He picked one up and began nibbling on it, and sat down at the table.

He went to bed that night at midnight, worrying about the next day. How would he survive it? He didn’t think he would. He cuddled up to Dean and fell asleep.

__

He woke up the next morning at ten, to his alarm going off on his bedside table. He groaned and shut it off. He sat up and groggily wiped the sleep from his eyes. Dean turned to him and kissed him softly.

Then, Dean’s voice filled the silent room, “Mornin’ Cas. Are you sure you’re ready for today?” He looked exhausted and concerned.

Castiel sighed and shook his head.

“Didn’t think so. But Justin wanted us there, so we should go. We have four hours to get ready. We have a lot to do. Do you want to shower or eat breakfast first?”

“Shower.”

“Okay then, I’ll go get breakfast started while you shower, okay?”

Castiel nodded and got up to shower. Dean shot up out of bed and wrapped Castiel in a gentle hug.

“Cas, if you need me, I’m here for you, okay?”

“Of course.”

While he was in the shower, Gabriel helped Dean make Castiel’s favourite breakfast: chocolate chip pancakes with bananas on top. And sausage. Hopefully it’d cheer Cas up at least a little bit.

They worked continuously until Castiel came downstairs in boxers and a tank top. He sat down and Dean apologised to Gabriel for having to shower, then dashed upstairs to take his own shower.

Dean came back downstairs and ate his breakfast, and they still had three hours before the funeral.

Dean and Cas cuddled in front of the TV for two hours, watching Boomerang and reliving their childhoods and attempting to get Justin out of their minds.

At one, Dean took Castiel upstairs to get him dressed for Justin’s funeral. Dean had to fix Castiel’s tie several times, and eventually gave up and left it backwards. Dean did his own tie perfectly.

Castiel helped Dean style his hair, and Dean helped Cas style his. They walked out the door looking beyond handsome, and if it wasn’t an important funeral for Cas, Dean probably would have lost his restraint and begun to make out with his boyfriend then and there. But unfortunately, it was an important funeral for Cas, so he restrained himself.

They got into the Impala, and Cas had to drive, since Dean’s foot was still in that damned cast.

When they got there, the funeral home was full. When they entered, they were shown to a full room, where Veronica, Justin’s mother, stood at the front.

“You made it, Castiel!” she said and signed simultaneously.

_“Of course. I love Justin. I need here. How you?”_

_“Awful. No-one here care Justin before now. My family dead, past husband’s family here. All disappeared when discover he Deaf. Why now? Why not before?”_

_“Guilt. You must fake happy. We can do this. I say something after begins?”_

_“Yes. Of course, Castiel.”_ Veronica’s eyes lit up, “ _Justin, his friend C-A-R-O-L-I-N-E, Caroline_ (weird) _here. Need greet. Thank you.”_ She walked away towards a little girl who’d just entered.

Sooner than he’d liked, the funeral began, and he was called up to the front of the large room. He dragged Dean with him, and set Dean in front of the microphone, and Castiel to the side of the podium.

Castiel spoke while he signed, “I’m here today to do many things. The first thing is to apologise to Justin, for lying to him. I promised I would read him the last chapter of the book we were reading together the next day, but he died that night. I never got the chance.”

 _“I’m sorry, Justin. Sorry._” Dean translated into the microphone.

Castiel spoke while signing again, “I will read the final chapter of the book we were reading, ‘I Survived the Attacks of September 11, 2001.' But in order to understand this story, you need background.

It’s about an eleven year-old named Lucas who played football but got taken out because he had too many concussions. He was on his way to see a family friend to try to convince him to let him keep playing, when he saw the first plane hit the twin tower. His father found him and saved him when one of the towers fell and dust enveloped them. That is where we left off.” Castiel finished, nodding to Dean, telling him to get ready to read the book.

_“Sunday, November four, 2001. Time 2 15 afternoon. Air similar Fall, chilly. L-U-C-A-S stood football field side._

_Football sounds everywhere. Clapping, whistle, laugh little kids playing near food place… Mom Dad up stands_ (meaning in bleachers) _._ (they) _Wave. Person ran field away for water. ‘hey’_

 _He J-A-M-E-S, one twin from M-A-R-K, his dad. He_ (Lucas) _finally learn difference twins._

_‘hey, awesome game.’_

_Little boy smile behind mask._ (Lucas) _hand-up-for-high-five._

 _(_ Lucas) _turn-away, hope he not see crying. Need a few seconds. Better now. Past knew today hard. First game since M-A-R-K, his funeral._

_On stands, Ladder 177 people, family, cheering for M-A-R-K his kids._

_(_ Lucas) _help new coach. Few guys ‘hey’ from stands. Half J-A-G-U-A-R here. L-U-C-A-S? Quit team. Quit football? No. Or people from team. Deep breath.”_ Taking this deep breath made Castiel’s eyes begin to water. He continued to read his notes and sign them to the audience.

 _“Yes, hard day, but good. Past Dad told him easier, future. Not easy. Mean sometimes, similar now, when not only sad, remembering scary day past September. Not think plane, thousands people died up towers, face people plan attack.”_ This was so hard for Castiel. Especially thinking about this. He was less than two hundred miles away when the planes hit the towers. He was young, but he remembers it well. The tears began to roll rapidly down his cheeks. He took another deep breath and continued.

 _“Worst memories? After they_ (he and his father) _escape fire house. New hour equal new awful thing: second tower fall-down, plane crash P-E-N-T-A-G-O-N government building, forth plane want go-to Capitol but crash Pennsylvania._

_After, find out M-A-R-K death. After, G-E-O-R-G-I-E. After, Chief._

_Other men back, one person, one person, one person. Head-to-toe dust, ash. Some blood. Afternoon, only one person missing. Uncle B-E-N-N-Y.”_ Castiel had to stop here, because the tears were coming too fast for him to read his notes. Dean stopped abruptly and held Cas.

“Hey, Cas, it’s okay. It’s okay, Cas, I’m right here.”

Castiel let loose a heart-shattering sob and clutched onto Dean tightly. Castiel felt as if his whole world was collapsing. But he needed to get through this chapter. He took a deep breath and stepped away, _“Need do this. Ready.”_

“Okay.” Dean nodded and stepped back to the microphone.

 _“Past people see him_ (Benny) _go-into Tower number one, he want go-to floor fire, help more people._ (Lucas) _see sad about him_ (Benny) _. But him_ (Lucas) _? Sat floor watch door._

 _Waiting… Waiting… Praying. Dad with him.”_ Castiel covered his face in his hands, mumbling “I don’t know if I can do this…” He shook his head and turned to Dean and shrugged. Dean reached his hand over and threaded their fingers together.

“You can do this, Cas.”

Castiel breathed deeply several times before continuing, “ _One good thing from that day; his dad. They walk together away, holding-hands._

_Last week, Dad model firetruck upstairs. Real one broken. Dad thought finish fake. They work hard, some nights not sleep, both. Sometimes, Mom with them. Left? Paint it._

_Now, score equal final fourth. Opposite team ask time-out. Kids ran football field side, around coach. Stood_ (with) _cane, tattoo S-H-A-M-R-O-C-K above cast. Uncle B-E-N-N-Y._

 _‘We have winners!’ he_ (Benny) _winked._

 _Yes, he_ (Uncle Benny) _live. Out North Tower one minute before fall-down, with hurt man_ (on) _back. Under firetruck. Both safe. Why? Him._

 _He bad, go-to hospital. Ankle broken many, arm hurt, lung fall. Nobody told firemen before evening. That one memory he_ (Lucas) _remember—he heard he_ (Uncle Benny) _safe._

 _He_ (Lucas) _walk-to-Benny, kids walk-to field. He_ (Uncle Benny) _cane drop. Lean him_ (Lucas), _stand, watch kids play. Quarterback threw ball. Awful. Impossible catch. J-A-M-E-S ran, follow it. Crowd cheered, stood. They_ (Benny and Lucas) _laugh, watch him_ (James) _run. Arms up, close…_ ” Castiel stopped signing. There was a murmuring.

“ _Finish.”_ Castiel signed, and Dean spoke aloud, “That’s it. That’s the end.”

The little girl, Caroline, began waving her hands (the “Deaf way to clap”). Others began clapping. Castiel fell to his knees and couldn’t stop the tears. Dean rushed over and held Castiel as he cried, again. He carefully picked his boyfriend up and back to their seats, so the funeral could continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, the next chapter is nothing but the translation of what Cas signed, because it has come to my attention (thank you Juliana) that it is incredibly confusing. 
> 
> So there's really only the epilogue left! I hope you've enjoyed TLC and I hope you come back for New Beginnings (the sequel to this).
> 
> Much love,  
> Sabrina <3


	29. Translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is literally nothing but the translation of what Castiel signed for Justin at the funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> None of this chapter is mine. It is from the book "I Survived the Attacks on September 11, 2001" and it is a very good book. I highly recommend that you buy it and read it too all the children. <3

Sunday, November 4, 2001  
2.15 PM

The air was crisp and chilly. Lucas stood at the edge of the field. The sounds of football filled the air—the cheers of the crowd, the trill of the ref’s whistle, the laughs of little kids playing tag in front of the snack bar.

Mom and Dad were up in the bleachers. They waved at him.

He waved back.

A player ran off the field for a drink of water.

“Hey, Lucas!” he said.

It was James, one of Mark’s twins—Lucas had finally learned to tell them apart.

“Hey, buddy,” Lucas said. “Great game.”

The little boy smiled up through his face mask.

Ucas held out his hand to high-five and the kid gave it a good whack.

James ran back out on the field.

Lucas turned, hoping James didn’t see the tears in his eyes. He just needed a few seconds to pull himself together.

He was getting better at it. And besides, he’d known this would be a tough day.

This was the first game since Mark’s funeral.

The stands were filled with Ladder 177 guys and their families, all cheering for Mark’s boys.

Lucas was helping out the new coach.

Some guys kept calling to Lucas from the stands.

Half the Jaguars had come, too. Lucas wasn’t on the team anymore.

But he hadn’t lost football. Or the guys.

He took a deep breath.

Yes, this would be a tough day—but a good one.

Dad had told Lucas it would get easier, as time passed.

He didn’t mean _easy_. It meant that there would be minutes—like these—when he wasn’t buried by sadness, when he wasn’t stuck in the terror of that day in September. When he didn’t think about the planes, or the thousands of people who’d died in the towers, or the faces of the men who’d planned the attacks.

The worst memories were from after he and Dad had escaped the dust, when they finally made it to the firehouse. Each hour had brought a new horror: the second tower collapsing, news that a plane had crashed into the Pentagon outside Washington, D.C., and that another plane had been heading for the Capitol or the White House, but had crashed in Pennsylvania.

There was the moment when they found out about Mark.

Then Georgie.

Then Chief.

The other men had made it back, one by one. Covered in dust and ash. Some dripping with blood.

By that afternoon, there was only one man missing:

Uncle Benny.

The guys had seen him running into Tower 1, determined to get to the burning floors, to get as many people out as he could.

Lucas could see the doom in the eyes of the older men as they talked about Uncle Benny. But he’d sat on the floor of the firehouse, his eyes glued to the door.

Dad had been right there with him.

That was one good thing that had come out of that day—Lucas and Dad.

They’d marched out of the dust holding hands and just kept on marching, together.

Last week Dad even brought the Seagrave model up from the basement.

The real rig was wrecked.

So Dad figured they should finish this one, and bring it to the firehouse. They worked on it some nights when neither of them could sleep. Sometimes Mom would sit with them. All they had to do now was paint it.

The score was tied in the fourth quarter. The other team called a time-out.

The kids all ran to the sidelines, surrounding their coach.

He stood there with his cane, his left arm in a sling, his shamrock tattoo peeping out from the top of the cast.

Uncle Benny.

“We have some champions here!” he boomed, turning to wink at Lucas.

Yes, Uncle Benny had made it out. He’d come down the stairs of the North Tower a minute before it collapsed, carrying a wounded man on his back. He got himself and the man under an engine truck and saved both of their lives.

He was in bad shape when he crawled out—shattered ankle, busted arm, collapsed lung. He was rushed to the hospital.

Word didn’t reach the firehouse until earl in the evening.

That is one memory that Lucas kept in his heart—the moment he heard that Uncle Benny was safe.

Lucas walked over as the kids ran bak onto the field.

Uncle Benny had dropped his cane. So he leaned on Lucas as they stood and watched the kids play.

Their quarterback took the ball and then hurled it.

It was a terrible pass.

Impossible to catch.

But James took off after it.

The crowd stood and cheered.

Uncle Benny and Lucas laughed as they watched James go, go, go.

Marks little boy ran with all of his might, his legs pumping, his arms reaching up, his face turned fearlessly toward the bright blue sky.


	30. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide attempt

Castiel was silent other than his sobs for the rest of the funeral. He left once it ended with Dean and they drove back to the Novak house. Once they got there, Castiel told Dean that he was tired and was going to take a nap. Dean nodded and told him he was there if he needed anyone. Castiel nodded and went upstairs to his room.

He dug out his ready-made noose from his shirt drawer and tied it to his ceiling fan. He walked over to his desk and wrote:

 

_Those I love (This includes Sam and Dean Winchester)—_

_Thank you for all that you have done for me. I am sorry, but I cannot go on. After today’s funeral, I feel so dead inside. I feel useless and I have been meaning to do this for years and years. Please don’t blame yourselves. It was bound to happen eventually._

_I am so, so sorry for the person who must find me. I know it will traumatize you and I wish I could prevent that. Unfortunately, I cannot._

_Dad: Thank you so much for raising me and doing your best to do everything you had to do._

_Dean: Thank you for loving me when I am not worthy of being loved._

_Sam: Take care of Dean for me, please. I truly wish I could, but I cannot after I die._

_Gabriel: Don’t let them make my funeral sad. Lighten it up, okay?_

_Balthazar: Have an amazing wedding without me. I would have just brought it all down anyway. But you love him and he loves you. You guys are good for one-another._

_Lucifer: I love you, but please start getting along with Gabe and Michael and please, please find someone._

_Michael: You’re a dick. Start getting along with Lucifer. If you do not, I plan on haunting you… And not in the good way. So please be nice._

_And finally, to Raphael: I will see you soon, Brother. I miss you. <3_

_I love you all. Thank you for making my life the way it was._

_Take care,_

_Castiel James Novak_

Castiel stood on his bed, wrapped the rope around his neck properly, and stepped off his bed. He felt an incredible pressure in his eyes and ears, and everything slowly faded out. He lost all sensation in all of his everything. He blacked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is bittersweet, but this is the end of TLC. Thank you so much for your comments and kudos. I hope you enjoyed yourself. ( : The next section, New Beginnings, will be up in a few days. I was going to post it tomorrow, but imthetitanic helped me realise I haven't made you stew in your own juices at all... So I will let you.
> 
> If you need help, call a suicide hotline. Suicide is not the answer. I love you all.
> 
> Sabrina <3


End file.
